I (45F) have been with my partner (45M), for 5 years. I'm solo and he is married with 2 kids. It's not perfect, but I'm very happy with our arrangement and he's a wonderful, supportive, attentive partner. A few years ago I realized I'm not straight and maybe 8 months ago I decided I wanted to try and date women for the first time in my life.
My partner has been verbally supportive, but I have also been struggling with some health issues as well as just being a middle aged woman, and my libido has taken a hit. Additionally, I have been losing patience with my partner's depression, low self-image, insecurities, and always being tired. Over the years he has dragged his feet with going to get treatment for any of these things, but to his credit, he has been slowly working on it this year.
The other day I made and what I thought was an offhand comment about not liking something sexually that he thought I loved and, over the course of the following several days, he had a complete meltdown about feeling like I think he is disgusting, our sex life is fading, and I am hiding my attempts at dating, putting our relationship in jeopardy. I had legitimately been doing my best to be open and honest and keep him informed of me exploits. I told him that his fears were unwarranted and coming from a place of insecurity and his negative thinking related to his depression.
Ultimately, he was able to receive that, but I have deleted all of my dating apps/profiles and am giving up on dating for now. I'm feeling very discouraged about any future prospects of being able to explore my sexuality given his reaction. Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated.
He consciously or unconsciously threw a tantrum to stop your dating. And it worked. He will do it as long as it works.
If you are struggling right now, and you aren't in a good place, then deleting the dating apps and taking time to focus on yourself and self healing is a solid decision.
It's tough when a partner is insecure and struggling with health issues. But the onus is on him to take care of himself. Lack of sex drive isn't going to get better with worry anxiety and stress.
I hope you both get the help you need to feel whole again.
I don't disagree that I should ideally find more community. I have been working on that, but struggling to find other queer people in my age group. As for spending more time with others, I only see my partner two times a week and typically see other friends at least two to three times per week, and I spend at least one or two nights per week on my own. I do have a strong social circle outside of him.
Do you think he throws fits to stop his wife from dating. That would be interesting to know, but not especially helpful to OPs dilemma.
Still super confused about his wife's feelings relate at all to OPs issue or her partner's tantrum that caused her to stop dating. Very odd.
What does it have to do with the post or OPs dilemma?
Seems pretty irrelevant hownhs wife feels about him trying to keep OP from dating. And between OPs partner and his wife. Their marriage isn't the center of her life.
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I don't think he intends to hold a double standard, but that appears to be the consequence.