I, 37(M-straight), and my wife (27F-pan) have been together for seven years, open for the last two years, even though we didn't do much except kiss other people at parties and very occasional group play in kink parties until recently. I have always wanted to do things together in our open relationship, but she never seemed very interested in going on dates with me and another person.
Three months ago, we started going on solo dates at her request. I reluctantly agreed because I wanted to go out with a girl, and my wife was not very interested in her. She started seeing a man two months ago, and their relationship has quickly evolved. I have seen some of our rules and boundaries being disrespected, especially in the beginning (e.g., them having sex in days I had explicitly asked her not to and to which she had agreed, disappearing for hours and not communicating, which is a very heavy trigger for me). My wife has been trying to be more respectful and accommodating in the last few weeks, but I still feel hurt by instances where I felt neglected and disrespected. In addition, they recently realized that they are both in love or at least infatuated with each other (as you can tell, they are both intense people, whereas I tend to be more grounded).
Although I feel secure in our relationship, I think I am entering a depression (also due to a challenging career transition). The fact that I am so distressed is making it harder for her to want to be around me and at home at times. Part of the appeal of her new relationship is that she can be away from me, and this need to be away is part of why these disrespectful moments have happened.
She has discovered herself poly lately, and it is clear that she is more interested in exploring non-monogamy alone, whereas I would like to do it together. I am struggling to give her the space she needs without being controlling. And because I am being controlling of her relationship, she tends to rebel more and unconsciously break our agreements. I am starting individual therapy now, but we are not doing couples therapy because we cannot afford it at the moment. We have no intention of divorcing. I'm struggling with this situation and would appreciate any advice or support.
MGen isn't a big deal. Unless you've had it for a long time, there's no permanent damage to worry about, so a stiff course of antibiotics should do the trick. Hell, lots of people who catch it show no symptoms, and recover completely on their own. I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions as to how honest your wife is being concerning use of barriers during sex.
In any event, there's no point in having boundaries unless you enforce them. If you don't, it actually encourages the other person to escalate their conduct. Removing consequences for violation of boundaries never goes well in these kinds of situations.
If your partner can't commit to following her agreements, I think you need to reassess whether this is a good relationship for you. Frankly, it sounds like bullshit drama that you absolutely do not need when you've got other things going on. But since you aren't willing to divorce or enforce your boundaries, it's not like your wife has much incentive to compromise to meet your needs, right?
Thanks for your message. I think that she has been aware to an extent that she wanted to be poly for a while, but did not disclose this because she knew I was not onboard. So she bottled it up until she could not hold it any longer, hence the episodes in which she violated our boundaries. I am aware that this might be NRE and could go away soon. I think she was unconsciously wanting to fall for someone, hence why she thinks she is poly, or at least has poly tendencies.
Subreddit
Post Details
- Posted
- 4 months ago
- Reddit URL
- View post on reddit.com
- External URL
- reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy...
Thank you for your input. It is really helpful and it does resonate perfectly, especially your third paragraph.
She is very apologetic for stepping over my(our) boundaries, but she feels that she will eventually continue doing it because it represents a desire to be independent, so she is having a hard time reconciling our needs. Our conversations have been hard, but we seem to agree that even though we want different things at the moment (and what I can give her is not enough based on her needs and vice versa), we want to make this work.