Looking for perspective from someone who has or is experiencing something like this.

My wife (F33) and I (M33) have been ENM the past 3 years, together for 11. We have two younger kids as well (7&4yo).

I’ve been struggling lately bc my wife’s desire for me has been feeling nonexistent, don’t get me wrong, it surfaces from time to time (1-2x month), but it’s not like it used to, it doesn’t feel organic or authentic to me. I miss being desired and I miss that more consistent soul connection I feel when we have sex.

She says she’s not that horny and her sex drive is low, but I see how others (few to be fair, but still others) get her excited and drive her desires. I know she loves me deeply and I know she finds me very attractive, but her actions don’t align w her words.

I finally realized and expressed what I have been feeling is a sense of loss of control in our intimacy and sex life. It is never on my terms so I have no say. There is no build up, no sexual tension, it’s so black and white. I ended up expressing that this is too painful for me, to not have any skin in the game (so to speak lol) and that at a certain point, perhaps she shouldn’t be my primary sexual partner or potentially my sex partner at all.

And before yall jump to conclusions, no I don’t want my wife to have sex with me when she doesn’t want to… what I want is for her to want to more, to see the value of that intimacy. I’ve seen my wife go through horny/sexual phases so I know it’s in there, I’m not desiring her to be a way shes not capable of.

We had a good talk the other night. She finally heard and understood what I was expressing, that her words and actions don’t align in terms of desire and intimacy. I began to ask her questions like: - what does sex mean to you? - what does intimacy mean to you?

Her answers were very revealing and shocking to me. The meaning of sex had little or nothing to do w her, and she said she really wasn’t sure what intimacy meant… After discussing all this she realized she has a sexual mental block and needs to redefine what they mean to her so she scheduled an appt w a sex coach.

I am grateful that she is going to put some intentional work into this and see what she finds.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? It’s hard for me to imagine the rest of my marriage and primary relationship without desire or consistent intimacy. If I remove that from our relationship, idk what the secondary effects will be for me, and that’s concerning.

A lot of people may also say, “go find a partner I can engage in that way”, which I am putting myself out there more, and that will help, but that doesn’t change how I feel inside my primary relationship. Sex for me isn’t masturbation - it’s much deeper than that.