I (25 F) recently started talking to this guy (36 M) who is in a non-monogamous marriage. We volunteer together, so I see him most days a week. I was initially very attracted to him, but a few days into us knowing each other, he started mentioning his wife and kids and I slammed the breaks on any feelings of attraction or whatever I was having toward him. However, he kept being very flirty with me and I heard rumors that he and his wife weren’t monogamous. He eventually took me out to coffee to “explain” their situation, and confirmed that he and his wife were non-monogamous, that she had a secondary partner of her own, and that he was into me but wanted to make sure I wasn’t uncomfortable with anything. It wasn’t very “date-y”, he was very respectful and it basically ended with me telling him I’d obviously have questions and he said “Good! Write them down and we’ll talk about everything!”

A little background about me that might be helpful: I was previously in a 4 year long relationship that started monogamous and eventually sort of opened up near the end. I wasn’t the one who initiated it, so it took a little bit of getting used to for me, but I now like to think of myself as naturally non-monogamous in a way, but would be fine with monogamy if a partner wanted that. Because of that previous relationship, I have had a lot of experience researching, reading, and going to couples therapists who specialize in polyamory and non-monogamy. I know that each relationship is going to have its own boundaries and nuances, and it is important to communicate those early on.

We are meeting up to chat tomorrow evening, and I am just wondering what are some important questions to ask before engaging in any kind of relationship? Or even just things you think would be important for me to consider on my end? I feel a little bit naïve in this particular situation, because even though I have had experience with polyamory/non-monogamy, I have never been in this position (potential “secondary” or whatever), let alone in a situation where a marriage is involved. I just want to make sure I’m covering all my bases and being respectful of everyone’s boundaries before this goes any further. Would love any input!