I (30M) am extremely uncomfortable with my wife's(27F) relationship she currently has. We've been married for 8 years and Poly for just 17 months.

So, for clarification I'm gonna tell the full story of how it all began. So please just bare with me.

My wife and I had been in the middle of incorporating someone in our relationship to form a triad because we both expressed extreme love for this person after knowing them for years. Well, the girl in question matches with the guy my wife is currently dating. They talked a little bit that day and met up that night and had sex. The next day she has told me and my wife about it and how exciting it was because he seemed like a really nice guy. This man is also Poly and married with a couple other partners already. But, my wife and was happy for her because she seemed to have had a really great night. My wife ended up showing interest in the guy because of his penis size and the fact our love interest said he was great in bed. So, they ended exchanging info and now my wife is conversing with the man over social media. Well, the moment she starts messaging him, she constantly stays on her phone with him that it was distracting her from work and home life just in the first couple days of talking. I had expressed my concerns with this and I was told I was being unreasonable and overreacting. Well, on day 3 of them talking, I get woken up to my wife manically cleaning the house in a sex little robe. I asked her what was going on and she told me that she was having, the guy in question over whenever I leave for work. I told her that it was absolutely not okay and that she needed to replan for a time that gives me more of a heads up. She didn't cancel. They still had sex and this extremely upset me. But, the bigger picture is, these 3 days my wife and this guy have been conversing, he has been acting less interested in romance with the girl we had been seeing and it was upsetting her that this guy was quickly disregarding her and giving my wife more attention. He even told her that was being less present towards her because he thought she was only using him for sex, even though they only had sex once at this point. There was even a point where I tried to get to know the guy for both women because he had expressed wanting to meet me. And, he even lied to me about some things. Which, I felt weird. But, I talked to him for a couple of days and even told him what boundaries I had as far as handling my wife.

But, back to our girlfriend being upset at my wife. Our girlfriend, even though she was upset at my wife, still went on a couple more dates with this guy. Her and my wife have been fighting over him for a few days at this point. My wife expressed that she shouldn't have to tell us when she plans on hanging out this guy or if she's even gonna have sex with him or not. So that, then becomes the dynamic of how they see this guy. Now, while the guy was being less present towards our gf, my wife has been telling the guy that he needed to be more present towards her and be more nice. I guess he never did because our girlfriend remained upset and things didn't get better with her and that guy so she breaks it off with him. But, her and my wife are still arguing over him and she expressed that she can't be with us if my wife continued to see the guy. Well, my wife told her she would let her take my wife's phone and block him from all social media, which she didn't do. At this point, so much drama and trouble has been caused in my relationships because of this one guy. My wife even got upset at our girlfriend for not coming with us on our date for our 8th wedding anniversary, because she lied to us and said she couldn't because she was doing stuff with her mom that day. But, turns out she was hanging out with the guy that all of this drama is based around. This event happened before our girlfriend called it off with this guy, but it ruined our date and the plans I had for after the date because my wife wanted to go home and mope about it. Well, the drama never gets better, nothing ever gets figured out, this girl is no longer our gf.

Her and my wife have sat down a few times and tries to talk through all of this. She kept telling my wife that she doesn't understand why she has to be so quick to jump into a relationship with this guy when she already has a main partner(me/husband) and that it wasn't fair that she took the guy away from her like that. Stating it wasn't fair because she was there first and my wife took that attention from her before she can enjoy it more. My wife states that it shouldn't matter who was there first because our friend gave her the info and said she should talk to him. I even remember them having talks about sharing him but no real boundaries or expectations were made. But, my wife believes she has been unreasonable this entire time because before we brought it up to our friend we wanted her to be our third for a triad, me and her had actually tried dating, which didn't go the best. We had a great time with each other, every time we were together. But, she ended up meeting a guy that interested her. But, he wasn't Poly, so she broke things off with me to focus on him. We still had sex quite often because her new bf wasn't satisfying her enough or even at all at some times. But, he ended up being a horrible person, though. And, really drug our friend through the mud. I heard him say some outlandish stuff to her over the phone. And, after she finally broke up with him, a week later was when she met the guy in question that has all of this drama started. And, that's why she believes it wasn't fair that my wife stepped in so suddenly even though she was given permission to converse with the guy. But, this guy, for the first few days was making her feel better about her previous relationship and suddenly she wasn't getting that attention anymore. But, after all of the talks her and my wife have had, nothing has been resolved really. I've currently been trying to have a romantic relationship with this girl again and it's not going the best because time has become an issue. We both either work or have plans already on our days off. Which we did just have a day to plan for each other that got ruined because she overslept and I cancelled my babysitter so that she wasn't sitting here for hours waiting for me to leave. And, my wife is still talking to this guy even though there has been numerous times he's said upsetting things to her, even in the midst of all of the drama. He at one point stated that he doesn't care about any of it and that it doesn't bother him. That, he doesn't care if our friend quits talking to him or if my wife quits talking to him. And, that it wouldn't bother him at all and he would be just fine. But, later tried to state that he did care for my wife and he didn't mean it like that at all. The guy is a huge red flag. His current dynamic in his Poly marriage is that he doesn't share info with anyone. Things like, where he's going, when he's leaving, who he's going out with, or, when he's gonna be back. He apparently just gets ready then leaves and shows back up, when he's done. And, he carries that into all of his secondary relationships as well. And, I don't believe he's someone that my wife should keep seeing. Their entire physical relationship has been based around sex. They haven't been on a date, she's only been to his house once and keeps having him over here, forcing me to have to leave and aimlessly drive around for hours or just go sit at the bar because there's nothing to do in our small town.

So, now after dropping that long story. I just really need some advice about all of this. I haven't had a chance to meet or connect with a lot of new people in the 17 months we've been Poly and there have been 2 people I missed connections with because I got myself roped into the middle of the drama that ensued recently. I don't want to take away from my wife, but at the same time I feel like her relationship with this guy has already taken enough from the both of us and quite frankly AI think it needs to end. My wife expressed that she's been trying to chase him out but is now planning a dinner date with this guy's wife? I honestly just don't know what to do at this point.