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Cross-posted to r/polyamory
I recently started seeing someone casually who told me they are in a donāt ask donāt tell relationship with their spouse. I enjoy our time together but Iāve started to have some doubts whether his DADT situation is actually true.
I know the people do relationships differently, and Iām trying to honour that. However, I also definitely donāt want to be an accomplice (even unwitting) to someone who is cheating.
Any advice how to proceed?
I am in a DADT non-monogamous marriage. My husband knows I'm with a FWB but doesn't want details. There is a bit of tip toeing involved, but that's the boundary my husband set, not me.
Im trying to think of a way to check in that it's legit without actually talking to the spouse. š¤ I've had this thought myself to give my FWB piece of mind, but they haven't specifically asked. I want everyone to know we are on the same page, but also don't want my husband to have that conversation with a stranger.
It's a tough pickle. Following this topic to see if I can get some insight on my end too.
Agree with the posts here. We are kind of DADT but my wife just doesnāt want to know details.
She knows Iām going out on a date. I put it in the family calendar. Where and what we do? She doesnāt care.
The two big things mentioned:
Does their availability seem like they can go out easily or is it very very narrow / feels like itās being squeezed in?
Can you be seen in public?
For us, seen in public is fine - just no PDAs
I know what you mean but itās not like there is a strict definition of DADT. While I wouldnāt call ours DADT in a strict sense, itās far from being āopenā in that you know ow the other persons name, know a bit about them, maybe hear about the date, maybe hear about the sex. I do know Iāve had a few partners express a little discomfort that I was cheating. I would just text my wife in front of them, on a string that has very normal, daily chat, that date is going well, and she will heart it. That seems to help the other person. In the mind of the person Iām dating, it feels like DADT.
That is actually a brilliant idea.I might try that
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Thatās the military policy you linked to. That was an official policy, written, and codified. There is no such thing or body for the ENM definition. Perhaps a more relevant source:
https://feeld.co/magazine/how-to/dr-zhana-x-feeld-design-your-ideal-open-relationship-disclosed-or-dont-ask-dont-tell
āBut some people prefer not to know anything or almost anything about their partnerās non-monogamy. They are ok knowing that something might be happening, but donāt want to be confronted with any specifics.ā