I'm very curious to hear what has worked for others in terms of the timing of disclosing hookups/interactions.

Me and my partner had a bit of a distressing experience this weekend. We're very new to this, we've been dating for the better part of 1.5 years but we've been officially boyfriends for two weeks. So in a way a lot about the dynamic is not so new, but talking about it is. From the start we were sure a DADT policy would not work for us because it typically involves deceiving and omitting information, which we didn't want to do.

We've kind of naturally adopted a forewarning ritual where we message the other person before seeing someone if it's planned. I took a guy home on a night out this weekend late at night, messaged him about it and he responded with "okay, I love you".

But all was not fine, when we saw each other the next day he said it had really made him very anxious and distracted him from enjoying the company he was in because his mind was spinning. He said it made him feel lonely and probably triggered his fear of abandonment. We had a great talk though, both of us pretty overwhelmed by it, but we've agreed that from now on we'll try letting each other know afterwards our experiencs instead.

My reaction when he has previously told me he had been with people with no forewarning have been pretty chill. I've mostly just been excited to hear about it. While I haven't tried being forewarned by him, I find his distress totally relatable. He also said it makes him feel like he should be out doing something too when he knows I am, which he rationally knows is sort of toxic - it's not a competition.

I do think disclosing afterwards may suit both of us better, but I can't help but feel there are also pitfalls here.

Like when I ask him if he has any plans today, is he supposed to just omit or lie about his plans of seeing someone? And then later reveal that he was dishonest because he had plans? And if the premise is to not tell in advance, then I foresee maybe overthinking in situations where such a thing is likely, because you don't really know until your partner is done and ready to disclose it asap afterwards.

I'm a bit conflicted by this and think we just need to experiment to find out. But I'm obviously all for minimizing emotional pain. As much as possible while keeping trust and open lines of communication.