My husband (37M) and I (31F) have been together for 12 years, most of which we were in the "lifestyle," playing together. Until just a few months ago, I was happy with it, but then throughout last year, my husband would bring up his sexual past on multiple occasions: casually mentioning his random hookup with a bride’s cousin at a wedding, sharing a story of getting an STI in college from a FWB and then giving it to a ONS, or telling me he was having sex with two other women when he met me, etc. He has tons of stories, and I have none. Due to health issues at the time, slut shaming, and just my young age, I didn't get to sleep around before I met my husband.

After having a long conversation (or rather, one-sided monologue) with my husband one day, I started feeling a strong sense of FOMO. I only had one sexual partner before I met my husband, so no FWBs, no ONSs, no different dates. Even though I knew he had a past, I didn't feel any sort of way until I learned some details. I opened up about it to my husband, and he suggested we open our relationship so I could have some sexual fun and experiences I missed out on.

I was very hesitant as I didn't know how I felt about him sleeping with other women without me, so I took a couple of months to think about it. I also wasn't convinced that it would work for us, but he assured me it would be okay for me to go on dates without him. When I brought it up to my husband again a couple of months later, he wasn't as keen on the idea at the time and took a few weeks to think about it as well. After some time, he agreed.

I started seeing a guy we had a threesome with, someone we both know and trust, who is also in an open relationship with a primary partner. My husband had bad feelings about my desire to see the guy (not for romantic reasons, just sexual interest). This guy lives 1.5 hours away from us and has a little daughter, and my husband wasn't keen on me driving at night and wouldn't let me stay overnight, making it pretty much impossible to see him. Within 2.5 months when our relationship was open, I only slept with that one guy twice, and each time I felt my husband wasn't happy about it. I also started talking to some people on apps but didn't schedule any dates because I could sense that my husband wasn't okay with what was going on, especially if it was a man. He was more supportive about me seeing women, but it's more difficult to get dates with women than men, even though I've tried that too.

My husband also tried scheduling dates/sexy times with women but was unsuccessful. It was very obvious that it was way easier for me to do so. It was clear to both of us that we had very polar feelings about the situation. Opening up our relationship really helped me combat the FOMO/retroactive envy feeling, but my husband wasn't happy. I couldn't stand seeing him unhappy and suggested we stop this and go back to only playing together. When I brought it up, he told me he was going to ask the same as he had been feeling very uncomfortable about the whole open relationship thing.

I love my husband very much, and leaving him to sleep around doesn't seem like a good option for me. However, I do feel very sad now that our relationship is closed. My FOMO feeling is overwhelming, and I really like the idea of an open marriage and would love it to work for us. This became something that I desire very much.

I'm curious if anyone can relate to this situation and has any advice for me.