We opened about 3 years ago, solo playing since September, poly-am-ish since September.

I had sex with a friend, whom I had had sex with already in the past, in September. I trusted him entirely, but he went really hard on me, I eventually fainted. He did not stop and came. After he came I sat on him and cried, saying "I want to go home". Then he said "well, you didn't hate all of it, did you?" I said "No, some of it was good". Then he said, "Ok well, if you don't want it to stop, you have to stop crying". Then he moved me to place me on all four (I was weak from fainting) and proceeded to fuck me again. I must've said "no, please, stop, it hurts, stop" about 50 times. Every time I would say no, he would go harder. When he was done, I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding. I told him, "I'm bleeding" and he was just laying lazily on the couch and went "oh, my bad", so I just dressed up and went back home. I bled for 2-3 days following this.

Then last night I had my second date with a slightly older man (47). I was excited to see him again, I liked him and we work in the same field. I told him during diner that I never did drugs and he offered me to try with him last night. I said yeah why not! When we arrived home, I was pretty tipsy, and he offered me to microdose on mush, then haschish, then weed alcohol. I got pretty wasted. So I had never had sex with him, but I was pretty fucking high. We ended up having sex, and his role play was like him being a dad and raping me. Like showing me how to touch myself, how to touch him, calling me little girl, then calling me slut and bitch. It was weird and he kept being firm on wanting me to sleep over while I told him I couldn't. I felt like... He did not care that I was human. There or not. During it, something felt off, like that I wasn't ok, but I'm a people pleaser and I was happy to make him happy. I was also quite drugged. He was showing me Youtube videos of things I did not care about, I fell asleep, and he kept talking to me like I was awake. That was fucked up. At one point, I opened my phone and saw that my bf texted me, and I started crying uncontrollably. I wanted to be home in his arms so bad.

Fast forward to this morning, I'm balling my eyes out. I'm probably still high, but I feel used. I feel like last night... The person I was with did not care 1 sec about who I am, what I'm feeling. He used my body. Strangely, it feels worse this time than with my friend. I don't want to date anymore. I don't want my body to be touched again by anyone but my partner. Sex is not safe for me anymore.

Anyways, I think I just wanted to share, I guess I needed it. Thank you for reading me.