You're cool, I like you. Even if you disagree with me.

Fair point on the "bitch" thing, lol.

I'll definitely need to think about your point about policing perhaps being an opportunity to remind newbies about what is and isn't okay.

I'll have to chew on that a bit.

Right now I have the opposite opinion about how we look to newbies. Not saying this to argue with you, just sharing where my head has been at and why newbies in particular were part of why I posted this...

In my head, when someone comes into this sub and posts something that is otherwise wholesome/respectful of the person and they just happen to use the word "third"....and then someone jumps in to tell them it's gross and wrong, that's alienating to the newbie.

It reminds me of when I'd play tabletop games and a newbie would make a mistake and their opponent would chastise them loudly, we'd never see that player again most of the time. I cared more about growing a positive community than policing minor issues.

I need to dwell on your point though, I'm not sure which is more beneficial for the community.

I would never say "the third"...that would be weird af indeed.

I mean, that's what I'm trying to do too. I guess we just disagree on what that means.

I appreciate your comment.

You seem to assume the part about objectifying though, why would that be assumed?

For context, I call myself a "third" when I join couples, but I'm not an object, I'm a person.

Valid and thank you. I'm not sure I'm approaching this conversation the right way today, but I'm definitely trying to be part of a better community.

Appreciate the answer.

In my head the "person" is implied, it's just shorthand for "third person". I'm not sure what else it would mean, other than as someone else pointed out the gross use of the phrase "the third"?

Regarding the hierarchy not being consented to, but what if they are consenting to it? When I've joined a couple or when my partner and I have had someone (either M and F) joining us....the hierarchy is always clear.

We always go to great lengths to be empathetic, thoughtful and generally the kind of partners that we want when we play as the third person with a couple....but we never mislead people about the heirarchy.

It seems like you assume (perhaps based on experience?) that people that use the term "third" are the sort that imply equality where it doesn't exist?

Reddit upvotes and downvotes don't indicate right and wrong.

If I get downvoted to hell here, I accept that, I'm still standing on my principles.

And no, I'm not trying to be "the judge", but I'm a reasonable person willing to change my mind and listen.

Totally agree.

If you're referring to a woman as a "female" or a person as "the third", huge ick vibes and deserve to be called out for that...I'm with you.

So my reasoning is that we see lots of newbies coming into this sub and going after them over a highly individual opinion of a word is alienating, not welcoming. (IMO) It reminds me of how small local game communities would drive away new players by correcting things or arguing with their decisions when those issues weren't as important (IMO) as creating a welcoming environment for new players.

For full fairness, someone else in this thread suggested that when newbies are reminded about the person/partner term, it might help them to realize how they need to think about the third person they're bringing in.

I'm still digesting that and which is more helpful to the community, but I want to share someone's counterpoint and not just where my head is at right now.

I can absolutely agree with you there.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Valid and thank you for your point of view.

I think at the end of the day, you're making a good case for people to have their own opinions about words.

Does that mean they need to correct others based on their individual opinions?

Like, I'm not trying to argue that they're not allowed to believe that "third" is a bad word, but I'd prefer that they not chastise others because of their opinion.

Maybe I'm the baddy for trying to argue that they shouldn't express that opinion, but I feel like we alienate new people when we nitpick their words because "partner/person would be better" and it makes our community less welcoming.

But maybe I'm wrong.

You might be right.

I've tried discussing it with those who take this opinion in threads where it arises with zero luck, was hoping that by making it a more tailored discussion I might invite more reasonable minds.

Maybe I'm still taking the wrong tactic, but the people who are doing the policing haven't listened, so I was hoping the community might agree.

I'm not advocating for the community to go after the language police, I'm just hoping to appeal to the better nature of our community to convince people not to engage in the behavior or support it.

We have a few members that are frequent language police (one is in this thread already) and they tend to be bolstered by lurkers upvoting them...

Not sure if I'll convince the police or not, but I'm optimistic that if the community stops making their comments rise with upvotes, at least they won't be as prominent in the conversation.

No one has addressed my logic directly as far as I've seen, but I'm still looking.

The comments I've seen that counter my opinion tend to assume things as facts like assuming that it's "objectifying" without proving that.

Maybe I'm overly logical, but you can't just state that the word third is "objectifying" someone, you need to prove it.

(Edit for clarity: prove in a logical sense, not in a court of law, you need to show the logical chain that makes it true, you can't just state opinions as facts)

Maybe I'm not expressing myself well somewhere then?

Because I agree with that.

I think it's relevant and necessary to consider the historical connotation of words, the label "Female" carries a negative connotation because of its adoption by sexists. Unless you're in a clinical or law enforcement context, "Female" isn't an appropriate word to use for a woman.

Historical context is context.

Yes, that's what I'm saying. We're agreeing here and I'm confused about why you feel like we aren't.

Thanks for the comment. It's an interesting point.

I would argue that calling someone a female has a historically negative connotation, because of how sexists have adopted that kind of language, but I'll dwell on your point a bit.

You're cool, I like you. Even if you disagree with me.

So...I'm the problem for pointing out a toxic aspect of our community?

Why is it gross?

Hell, if you have logic that actually refutes mine, I'll delete my rant and post a big old fat "I'M WRONG, ARREST ME" in place of the OP.

You are one of the people I'm referring to as creating toxic aspects of our community.