First things first, It's okay to be monogamous!

Anyone who tells you different is an asshole. I said what I said.

You do NOT have to be non monogamous just because your partner wants you to be. You do NOT have to 'just do the work'. No amount of work can help when you're in a relationship you just don't wanna be in.

Its different when you know you want non monogamy, but struggle with old monogamy paradigms. See the last post I made for those issues. This ain't it sugar.

No, is a complete sentence. You will never hate yourself into a better person and if someone who "loves" you, puts you in a situation where your no isn't heard or you're told some elitist bullshit about how your emotions need to be worked on. You're not non monogamous. No amount of therapy, self help, or youtube videos will change that twisted feeling in your gut that says this is wrong.

Now I don't always agree with the if it aint a hell yes, its a no ideology. I am the one who suggested non monogamy this go around in my relationship (I've done it all three times we have tried), and I was hesitant. I wasn't a hell yes. I knew that no matter how many times it blew up in my face, there was a part of me that wanted it. No matter how much I tried, there was a brain noodle that was like you know you wanna do it...

I am at a hell yes now. I do not regret my choice, and I'm proud of myself for listening to the brain noodle even though there were traumatized brain noodles screaming at it not to.

I AM NOT THE NORM Let me make that perfectly clear. Usually that rule of thumb is good to go by, but if the person who suggested it is the hesitant one, thats where the grey area comes in for me. But thats just my personal opinion.

If you are the hesitant one and you DIDN'T suggest the idea, if it ain't a hell yes, its 95% likely its a full no in disguise. Fear of losing the relationship is usually what gets that hesitant yes.

Again, no is a complete sentence, and you are amazing as you are. Find a monogamous partner that knows and cares about your hesitations, on anything in life.

Poly (or NM)/mono relationships usually never end well, and its because the monogamous person eventually grows resentful and/or sad over the time lost and wants more time, and the poly person just wants them to be cool with the concept of poly. Very rarely does it not end in a broken heart, and that's just the unfortunate truth.

Don't push yourself to be in or stay in a relationship that isn't working for you. Try it, sure, but if you go on dates or your partner goes on dates (or both) and you don't start seeing a lax (even a slight one) in that gut wrenching feeling by I would say date two or three, it probably isnt for you sugar.

I hope this helps someone struggling, and thanks for coming to my ted talk. 😘