If you have friends or loved ones who know you do NM, how do you deal with insensitive or shitty comments?
A bit of backstory: My partner (38M) and I (34F) are demisexual and monogamish. We've been together 15 years, decided to open about 5 years in. Because we're sort of specific about our needs and boundaries, we take a quality over quantity approach and haven't been "actively" open for that whole decade. I currently have only one partner outside of our relationship, a LDFWB (35M). The "benefits" part started about 2 months ago, and the distance doesn't give us much chance for intimacy, so we maintain a sincere friendship. Frankly, he's also the first NM partner I've had that treats me well. He is married and polyam, although currently I am his only other partner outside of his wife (35F). I'm friends (not-WB) with her too, and likewise my partner and FWB get along from the times they've met online. We identify using slightly different labels but we all have pretty clear and easy-to-follow boundaries, and some feelings are okay as long as they're regulated and we continue to put our partners first.
Now, my best friend (36F), who has been my best friend for 8 years, knows about all of this. My partner is also one of her best friends, and she has never particularly cared or passed judgement on our style of relationship, until today.
We were talking and I mentioned some of my icks and general gripes around NM. Stuff like bad actors, couples being disrespecrful on dating apps, people not doing research on how NM works, violating boundaries, engaging in bad faith, or being performatively "ethical". Maybe she was trying to make me feel better but her response was, "Well almost everyone doing poly or NM is just cheating anyway."
I wasn't sure how to take the remark, especially from someone close to me who often claims to have progressive views.
Some people use NM as a socially-acceptable cover for cheating, plus the stuff I mentioned above, and it creates a reputation we all have to deal with. I explained as much to her, but I also asked her where she was getting her information from about it being "almost everyone" and she couldn't back it up. Then she derailed the conversation by complaining about being single and how hard she has it.
Maybe her "hot take" wasn't intended to apply to me (hit dogs will holler as the saying goes), but her remark made me uncomfortable. Was I supposed to intuitively know who the exceptions are to a blanket statement like that? It's lazy communication that wouldn't be acceptable amongst people I actually do NM with, which are ironically the same people she was speaking badly of.
TLDR: My best friend made some rude remarks about my practice of NM and started acting weirdly femcel-y when I tried to stand up for myself. The interaction has left me confused and uncomfortable and I'm wondering how much I can trust her with details of my life now. Maybe I should just drop the subject?
We have told quite a few friends and family, but not all of them. Most have reacted with either curiosity or indifference. I find that those who are curious and ask questions are the open minded and more accepting ones, whereas those who seem indifferent are not so much indifferent as not really supporting it. Which is mostly ok, I don’t need everyone supporting my choices as long as some key people do.
For your friend, I am assuming this is one of two things: her mono normative thinking shining through, not fully grasping that people can actually be ok with their partner having other sex/partners; or bad experiences in the dating scene where she might have run into some of these bad actors.
I would suggest maybe using these situations to educate rather than confront: “That’s simply not correct, studies have shown that up to 20 percent of the population has had some experience with consensual non-monogamy and about five percent is practicing it at any given moment. It is more common than you realise, but people don’t feel they can be open about it due to comments like this and out of fear of how it could impact their career or children.”
Yeah, I'm not exactly sure where it's coming from, maybe a variety of things. I don't want to invalidate her problems or make them worse either. She probably did mean well but didn't realize how her comment effected me.
We have told quite a few friends and family, but not all of them. Most have reacted with either curiosity or indifference. I find that those who are curious and ask questions are the open minded and more accepting ones, whereas those who seem indifferent are not so much indifferent as not really supporting it. Which is mostly ok, I don’t need everyone supporting my choices as long as some key people do.
For your friend, I am assuming this is one of two things: her mono normative thinking shining through, not fully grasping that people can actually be ok with their partner having other sex/partners; or bad experiences in the dating scene where she might have run into some of these bad actors.
I would suggest maybe using these situations to educate rather than confront: “That’s simply not correct, studies have shown that up to 20 percent of the population has had some experience with consensual non-monogamy and about five percent is practicing it at any given moment. It is more common than you realise, but people don’t feel they can be open about it due to comments like this and out of fear of how it could impact their career or children.”
From what she's told me I think she has indeed encountered some bad actors, but I'm surprised she would allow it to color her entire perspective when she is aware of my NM. (It's especially weird because we are both queer, so we're already in a community where it's not taboo and usually done responsibly.)
I worry about whether she actually wants to be educated because it's not the first time she's presented a misinformed opinion as fact and seems to shut down when corrected, no matter how politely people do it. I guess I can try though.
I don't think I'd be worried or taking it as personally if it were a one-off comment, but it seems to be part of a larger pattern of behaviour. It's not the first time she's presented a pretty baseless opinion as fact and hasn't really seemed receptive to feedback. Maybe she's just being stubborn but I think there could be issues much larger than just non-mono culture and people's opinions of it.
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From what she's told me I think she has indeed encountered some bad actors, but I'm surprised she would allow it to color her entire perspective when she is aware of my NM. (It's especially weird because we are both queer, so we're already in a community where it's not taboo and usually done responsibly.)
I worry about whether she actually wants to be educated because it's not the first time she's presented a misinformed opinion as fact and seems to shut down when corrected, no matter how politely people do it. I guess I can try though.