I don’t really know where to start…

I have cried myself to sleep more times than I can count at this point. My wife and I opened up almost a year ago, and I just ruined another good thing we had going for no reason.

She goes out constantly, and I get next to nothing, not too surprising. I get to be involved with my wife to a small degree when she decides to let me, either with her solo guys or with a couple once in awhile. But I always ruin everything with my insecurity. I struggle over the fact that the other wife/gf is usually not as into me as the dude is in to her. Then the vibe is thrown off and everyone isn’t having a good time. And then she hates me for ruining her evening. I get nervous, in general but more so if either man or woman is attractive and/or well endowed, and then can’t get my dick hard. And I hate myself a little bit more than the last time it happened while simultaneously promising that it won’t happen again. Rinse and repeat.

I have always been the quiet, shy one. The kid in school who barely spoke to anyone. I have always been this way. I have never thought very highly of myself. Didn’t see myself as very attractive or charismatic. Average at best. Never had a gf till senior year of higschool, my wife was the only person I had slept with before trying NM. So yeah not exactly a ladies man.

Opening up was supposed to get me out of my shell, to make me feel more sexy and confident and outgoing. I lost weight, got cute haircuts, grew a beard, improved my wardrobe, put in all the work to get good at fucking and eating pussy, and tried to learn how to be charming and patient as I waited for my own connections. But they never came. None that have lasted more than a couple weeks anyways. And I have come to the realization that even with all these improvements, i am still not good enough for anybody.

I’m tired of being left on the sidelines. And I’m tired of being so ridden with insecurity and anxiety that on the rare occasion that I have an opportunity to get laid, even though I have a naked woman right in front of me, with my dick in her mouth, begging me for it, I can’t get my dick hard enough to put a condom on. I should be having the time of my life and just can’t help but be my own worst enemy at every turn.

I get stuck feeling like I’m not enough, and then that internal negativity permeates outwards until it manifests in the exact way that I think it will. By ruining the rare moments when I am actually getting somebodies attention. Everyone is pissed or upset at me. And I know if I could just relax and enjoy myself, I could be this sexy, happy, worthwhile person. But I just can’t do it. Why? What is wrong with me? I don’t know what’s holding me back or how to improve my self esteem anymore. I’m miserable bc I feel like no one wants me, and no one wants me bc I’m miserable.

I don’t even know what advice I’m asking for. At this point I think I’m unfixable. She loves this LS so much and I don’t want to take this away from her. But neither one of us can continue living like this.