It’s nothing too dramatic.

I’d posted about the other guy I’ve been seeing (who I’ll call Toby in this case), and how I couldn’t get him out of my head. From the creator of tracks we love like “I Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”, here comes “He Says He’s Unavailable But Puts In A Good Amount Of Effort”.

I’d asked what a medium effort looks like, and I guess I’m figuring that out, because he’s been oddly helpful and really kind. He let me stay over two nights last week after I had a cold and there was a snowstorm where I generally reside, as I was hoping to escape it (which I did). He just left me in the house with the cat in the morning, and gave me a key (obviously not to keep) and some money so I could run errands. I made us dinner.

Not to mention, he’s been unexpectedly sweet every day. He’ll text me in the morning, he texts me goodnight. So far, if he hasn’t texted me by 8 pm, he’ll send me an emoji. He’s generally extremely understanding of my situation, and actively encourages me to stay at his place longer (when he’s not there) and spend some time indoors.

Things are tricky between me and my husband because I’m technically homeless, living out in the world, while he lives with family for the time being. He feels guilt every time anyone helps me, even if it’s a friend of mine, but especially with Toby.

My husband, who is supportive of me generally, isn’t super happy about me receiving help from people who aren’t him. He’s appreciative that I’m being taken care of, but he clearly has mixed feelings about some people doing things he can’t. I already make more money than my husband, which I know makes him feel a little insecure about supporting me, but the fact that we don’t have a place together weighs on him daily. He wants to be the one supporting me the most, materially.

I feel bad because I know how he must feel, but at the same time, I kinda can’t refuse the help in this circumstance. I have to be clean for work. I have to eat somewhere, somehow. I have to sleep somewhere. I can’t even shower at the gym, being that I’m trans. Most of the time I get by, but especially having only about 2 solid places to clean myself makes life a lot harder to navigate. If someone can make that a little easier for me, that’s kinda sick.

Before you ask, yes mom, I am working on my homelessness, but it’s hard getting out when you work in the city and the market in your small state is extremely saturated. I’m applying to everything I can, and still I’m stuck living out here. I’m bad with money, and I have to eat. Life blows. I’m getting better with money and I’m close to a sublet, but no hits so far.

Toby has said that he wants to stay single, which I respect, but his actions would suggest that he cares about me a good amount. Are some people just that good, or am I trippin? How can I approach reassuring my husband that despite not being able to do some things, I love him the most? My husband is my best friend, and by far my favorite person, and I feel like I suck at showing my everlasting love for him.

(I even started a little game with my husband where I owe him a kiss every time I get out of the car, and two if I don’t give him one when I get out, thinking it would be fun and he was pretty happy about it, but I feel like I set the wrong message there. I just want to love him, not make our love a game I have to play or anything. And it’s all voluntary, but it still feels a little wrong. I feel like an asshole.)

I’d also like to request you don’t burn me to the ground 😖 I’m neurodivergent, young and actually stupid, and I have a bunch to learn, so please no knives. I’m not a malicious force, I’m just a big dummy, if I’m saying dumb things.