rant/

When our relationship began (I am M, partner is F) I was open about being polyamorous with a serious desire to be in kitchen table type polycule where my partners at least enjoyed hanging out as a group and liked one another.

But as the relationship got more serious and she realized I wasn’t just ‘hooking up’ with her and genuinely wanted a life long relationship with her she began to be more open about not being comfortable with my polyamory.

I guess wrong reddit but like am I the asshole for being resentful because I’m choosing to commit to them and close myself off to other partners.. I feel like this wouldn’t be a big deal but they keep bringing up how they’re starting to feel open to the idea, and so I’ll ask exploratory questions and suggest potential friends we could flirt with but then their idea is more an open relationship where we never meet or nearly ever interact with the others partners and I completely shut that down because it just not what I want, i want to be involved in her relationships and for her to be involved in mine. It’s bothersome that I would have to express how I don’t want a situation like that and she always leads to that when expressing how she is feeling more open to it. I feel like people might suspect she has someone in mind but she really doesn’t. We’re just very different with how we date and who we find attractive.

I guess I just am not enjoying her teasing the idea we could explore things, and then finding out she still is stuck on a scenario that I have explicitly said I don’t want.
I feel like her bring it up reignites my desire and then I have to reel myself back and deal with the guilty feelings of wanting something she doesn’t. I get mad because I feel like she isn’t considering my feelings but then I flip it around and acknowledge I am not prioritizing her feelings and I put myself back into place.

I guess I am feeling resentful that I was open and forthcoming in our relationship and she was not. I was serious about dating her and she just considered me a hook up and once she realized I was serious and she got serious herself she started being honest about not wanting me to be doing certain things I was open about wanting to do. My attachment disordered heart was too deep to be like okay bye.. I just committed to her and genuinely I can be content with that I am happy with her but repeating myself now she keeps bringing up being more open now and it forces me to go thru these feelings of giving up a part of myself over again.. and this cycle is wearing me down I feel like she doesn’t understand where I’m coming from or what I am dealing with emotionally.

Ultimately I just keep reminding myself to think of her perspective and to be kind, patient, to prioritize and honor her. Hoping she will do the same for me and we get past this point of conflicting desires.