HI guys! long time lurker first time poster. I (38M) am what I would consider ENM only for the realm of sexual connections. My wife (39F) is mono and demi. she very much requires at least a platonic connection to someone before she will have sex with someone. I wouldn't say we are "active" swingers, but every so often we will find a couple or a female (she really isn't interested in men aside from me) to build a connection with and then ultimately hook up with.

for context we are going on 14 years married.

there have also been several occasions when I have had female partners without her (with her knowledge and consent before hand). the best way for me to describe these scenarios with her is that there have been moments we have been talking to other people and due to scheduling for everyone, she will say "y'all can do your own thing" "feel free to meet up whenever" etc.

I wouldn't say I have an issue so to speak but if you were to call it that, here it is. To me she is creating the perception to me that she is ok with and supports these things happening on my own. I think she really wants to; she does understand what I want, and I'll say need in order to be fulfilled but every single time I do something it always leads to a fight.

she gets in her head and really starts to just let the emotion out. we will talk on the phone like nothing is going on and there's no issues then after when I call her, she will completely freak out.

when this happens, my instinct is to say "that's fine, I just won't do it anymore" but then she gets mad that I'm saying that because she's reacting the way she's reacting.

While I am happy in my marriage and ultimately, I can live without it to be with her; I don't want to. I don't resent her, I accept her for who she is, and I accept that I am coming to the reality that if I am to be with her then I will have to give up that part of my life.

sometimes I feel like I am being incredibly selfish in these moments but then other moments I think she is being incredibly selfish. we view sex differently and while we have a fairly healthy sex life, it's pretty basic. sexually were driven by completely different things. I have a significantly higher libido then she does.

I know ultimately, she only engages in group play or adding people to the bedroom because it's what I want to do and Shes doing it for me. she just tends to complain about it after the facts and I feel like I am being selfish.

I'm failing to see what she is giving up being with me whereas if I elect to stay, I'm giving up something that I place a lot of value on.

I do love her, and that love is strong enough for me to force myself into being mono, but I don't want to and its hard. I struggle with it (some days more than others).

I should also say that as far as I'm concerned, she has complete freedom to do as she wishes with whom she wishes.

make your comments give your advice, it just sucks loving someone and wanting to be with someone that you can't be your true self with.