Please help me change my mindset
Hi everyone - monogamous partner here trying to understand and support my non-monogamous partner who just told me he needs this after 2.5 years. How do I stop feeling physically sick at the thought of him having sex with others?
He says he needs to do this to fully express his sexuality, and that he doesnāt want to fall in love with anyone but me. I understand this reasoning and intellectually support it - I believe this is ethical and that this will make him happy without reducing his love for me. I think that this could improve our relationship in so many ways.
However, when I think about him being touched by someone else, I feel nauseous and betrayed and objectified. I feel like sex between us is less special. I feel unwanted. I worry about him comparing me. I get jealous that someone else gets to see him lose control like that - like its not just for me anymore. I worry about him wanting sex with me less (I have a crazy high libido). I worry about being āworseā at sex than his tinder girls. I feel like someone else gets to touch and love him when I already feel like I donāt get to touch and love him enough. Iām in so much pain.
Can you help me change my mindset? I genuinely donāt want to feel this - I want to feel compersion, to feel happy for him, to feel more secure. Instead I feel devastated.
It is possible to work on those feelings and get to a place where you donāt feel sick, but feel neutral about it - BUT not without changing your mindset from monogamy to non-monogamy, and thatās a change that has to come from within. None of us can make non-monogamy ok for you, you have to want it for yourself.
And if you donāt want it, itās quite ok to say āno, thanksā. You donāt have to accept it just because someone offers it up to you.
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- 7 months ago
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- reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy...
I wrote a comment a couple of days ago on how I have worked on my own jealousy:
https://www.reddit.com/r/EthicalNonMonogamy/s/0mCNnFbUFp
And this a previous comment with suggestions on how to deal with your partner going out when starting out:
https://www.reddit.com/r/EthicalNonMonogamy/s/xGN7XyOpzv
I would also suggest you try to immerse yourself in some of the non-monogamy content out there, be it books or podcasts or subreddits, simply to provide a counterbalance to the mononormativity we are usually surrounded by.