I've been a lurker of various nonmonogamy subreddits to understand different points of view since I started my experience with ENM a few years ago with my ex partner of 6 years (at the time we opened). Done the reading, gone to tons of therapy, worked on myself to feel my feelings, built up my support network, and can now communicate more effectively. Now I'm reaching out for some advice from the community and maybe a reality check on how NM relationship structures personally impact me.

The relationship that introduced me to nonmonogamy ended because of romantic and intimacy incompatibility (though we remain good friends). A theme I noticed for myself in that relationship is I wasn't at all interested in other people, it didn't feel "right" to me to want other people and not my "love", even though we were not very compatible or fulfilled in that relationship. I had a year basically to date people before my ex went on her first date, I met 2 people irl and no physical intimacy - not even holding hands. She met someone and had sex a couple dates into their relationship. We were HS sweethearts so this was the first time either of us had sex besides with each other. I didn't react well and that was the beginning of the end, but lopsided dynamic rules (NPP for bisexy me, she's a lesbian) had me decide it was best to end the relationship and try pursuing solo polyamory since I'd never been single and able to casually date and I didn't want to become exclusive with someone too quickly.

After that ended I was successful for a number of months casually dating a number of people and I felt personally fulfilled in my open relationship structure. I had 2 partners simultaneously for about 4 months (note: I wasn't in love with either of them at the time) before ending one relationship and I have been with "Zoe" for about 8 months now.

Zoe and I have fallen in love - in fact my timeline of losing feelings for the other partner I had been seeing is almost matched to my growing feelings for Zoe. A sticky spot for me and ENM is that I dont feel the drive to see other people (sexually) once I'm in love with someone, and my love wanting to pursue others sexually brings up a lot of hard feelings for me. My Dad cheated on my mom when I was a child which led to him leaving our family for a short time among other repercussions (I was raised LDS for background). I find those feelings I associate with him "abandoning" me get triggered when my love mentions people and date plans. I do my best to give myself space to feel what I'm feeling, listen to why it's come up, and communicate those and potential solutions with my partner when it's an appropriate time, but it feels like I've been flexing those muscles and skills almost non stop since I've fallen in love. I'm tired of feeling so strongly so often and anxious that I'm hurting my partner with my reactions too.

I've brought up how I do feel I would be more comfortable with monogamy, or "monogamish" like having occasional group sex, rather than a structure that I'm going to be feeling triggered multiple times a week every week from them very actively dating. They don't want monogamy and want the ability to pursue connections with people that can grow to what feels right. Theoretically I want ENM for myself for that reason too and because it does help me feel more confident in myself, I find it easier to make friends (WFH and living alone for the first time is hard in a new city), and I have felt empowered and fulfilled by having the ability to see multiple people if I want. My anxiety and emotions around my love have made me lose sight of why I wanted this relationship structure for me, and my desire to pursue people feels forced so I can "keep up" with them in a way and have some help with distractions and support when they are busy with others. I really value growth and I appreciate how much ENM challenges me in that way, but the timing of feelings coming up can be really disruptive and strains my work life.

A recurring feeling is that I'm inadequate, especially because I struggle with insecurity and anxiety around my love dating other people, so I feel guilty continuing a relationship dynamic that feels like a form of self harm (I struggle with this and people pleasing a lot). I feel that maybe I need to sit with this longer, don't force myself to date new people, and just enjoy my relationships for the great things they add to my life - my brain just has a hard time getting on board with that all the time. At some point, my responses will need to feel manageable for me to comfortably continue building nonmonogamous relationships. Any advice on how long to keep trying or am I being delusional staying in a relationship structure that regularly causes me mental anguish?