Summary: 3 years ago I left a bad marriage and started a long-distance relationship (with my current GF), on the premise that it would become an open relationship. This ended up not happening because I didn’t want to hurt her. I now find myself needing to overcome my curiosity to explore, and trying to shut down my sexual desires.

— A NEW BEGINNING —

In 2020, when I (M40s), ended my marriage of 23 years, there were two things I wanted:

1. To sow my oats through sexual exploration, because my ex was the only person I’d ever had sex with.
2. To explore deeper intimacy and genuine connection.

I met a woman online (who lives on another continent), who I knew I could go deep with. We had the kind of connection and communication I had always craved and believed was possible.

I considered if I should explore my sexuality first before getting into a committed relationship… but I very much wanted to explore going deeper into intimacy. The decision to explore a relationship with her first became easy when she agreed that after I flew out to visit her, we would transition to an open relationship. It was actually my idea to wait until after the visit, because I wanted to give her my “second virginity” as I called it.

We spent that first year falling in love and having a lot of fun playing together virtually. And when the long awaited visit finally came, it was absolutely amazing and affirming of our deep connection.

— TRYING TO EXPLORE —

After the visit, I began trying to date and explore with others. This included entry level steps such as scheduling a time for virtual play with a stranger, or having touch without any kind of penetration. But each attempt ended with me backing out and not doing anything because I could see it was going to hurt her. Nevertheless, she continued to say she was open to me exploring, even though she decided she didn’t want to do anything herself.

I kept telling myself that if I could only find the right approach, then we could do this without it causing hurt and ruining our relationship.

Another year went by like this and I flew out for a second visit. There were a couple different times when I had stopped trying to explore, but being celibate and missing touch for this long had pushed me to my breaking point.

— BREAKING POINT —

So 7 months ago (with my GF’s approval), I made one final attempt by talking to a friend about being a FWB. That didn’t work out and I was considering what to try next, but it again became clear that this was going to be too difficult for my GF. She would make statements like maybe she needed to start dating, even though she didn’t want to… or that she should start exploring and posting pics on Reddit, even though it felt self-destructive to do so. I was totally fine with her doing these things, if it was what actually wanted, but it was clear that these statements were about the hurt and struggle she was going through.

— GIVING UP —

At this point I gave up… but not like before. This time I truly gave up and vowed not to try again. This roller coaster had become too much for either of us.

I’ve been in a depressed funk ever since. To make me feel better she’s told me that once we’re living together, she’s open to exploring, or at least letting me explore even if she doesn’t want to participate. But will living together really make a difference? And what seems most relevant, is that sexual exploration with others simply isn’t something she wants to do. I don’t like how this feels.

It will be at least 2.5 years from now before we could live together. It probably wouldn’t feel so daunting if I had some kind of outlet, but even our virtual play has become less and less.

— SHUTTING DOWN —

I’m letting go of my curiosity to explore and suppressing my sexual desire. It feels as though my inner fire is going out. I don’t have the drive and excitement for life I used to, I have insatiable cravings for junk food, I find it difficult to exercise, and I’ve replaced personal projects with Netflix.

I fear I’m no longer the man my GF fell in love with. And I’m not sure she has the same level of attraction for me.

The real kicker is this. Had I simply gone out after getting divorced and sowed my oats and got this out of my system… I’d probably be ready to settle down.

— WHAT’S NEXT? —

I realize that exploring would be fun… but empty. That doing so would only serve to satisfy my curiosity. So how can I risk losing the woman I love to pursue it? Is sex and touch really so important? I feel like I’m stuck in a paradox of bullshit.

I did spend a little time snuggling with the potential FWB and noticed that it made things feel lighter and easier. I know I have my own shit to figure out and I wonder to what extent just being held might help.

— HOPE —

Despite being in very different stages of life right now, which creates some incompatibility… I believe I’ll be more aligned with her once I get over this.

She’s coming to visit me in a couple months and is going to stay for 2-3 months. This is much needed and gives me something to look forward to. I know we have something very rare and special, and losing it would be the greatest regret of my life.

So giving up exploring with others and having sex (for now), feels worth it because she respects me… which is something my ex never did. As such, I want to be her man.

Note: I have talked to my GF about all of this, but I don’t see much point in continuing to discuss it.