Illustrations.

Five suitors approached the Black North American non-monogamist.

• The first was a clearly three pigeons standing on top of one another while wearing a trenchcoat while trying to pose as, I'm going to assume, sexy Big Bird?

• A flightless lush approached with enthusiasm, seeking fresh glazing until their flight feathers returned.

• A British negging tit approached. Without success.

• A bright plumed dominatrix approached and issued a mating call transcribed thus: HaVE you EvER hAd A MIsSTRES?

• A trepidatious horny robin approached, seeking to make a new nest with her vibrating egg.

My nonmono dating life, narrated by David Attenborough, would be wild.