Original post

So yesterday I came clean to my FwB. In short i told him how we have evolved and how i truly feel the relationship is much more than what we are currently allowing it to be. I told him I had thought a lot about what kind of relationship I want, and why that was an open relationship. I feel it went really well, we talked for 1.5 hours. He understood my wish for an open relationship completely and what it means to me personally, and I'm really glad he didn't get offended or make it about him somehow. He has also considered non-monogamy. We agreed we were both holding back feelings and sort of kidding ourselves about the nature of our relationship, and we would probably rather not be doing that. He said everyone around him keeps asking if he's in love with me lately.

It was a really good discussion about our complicated feelings for each other. We didn't arrive at a solution, which i also didn't expect us to. I'm staying another day. He's going to take some time to think it through. I think he understands clearly that I don't want a monogamous relationship, and if he can't commit to this type of relationship we would attempt to keep seeing each other as close FwB, but manage our expectations of the future.

Some concerns did arise. He told me he and one of his close friends have had a secret love affair. This was happening at the start of our FwB relationship and broke off somewhat in the middle on the will of the friend. This friend is in the closet, and felt uncomfortable with how things were developing and felt the need to break it off to preserve the friendship - probably also needing some space to think on his newfound sexuality. He admitted he has felt madly in love with this friend, but he's very conflicted because his feelings for me also run very deep and he has been questioning a lot what place I truly hold in his heart. The thing is he says, the nature of our "casual" relationship hasn't allowed him to truly fall for me even though he feels everything has been there for it to happen, he has shut those feelings down. I don't really have the capacity to feel jealous about this honest revelation - I'm relieved I don't. I think the non-posessive nature of our relation and wanting what's truly best for each other is what makes our relation so great, and he agrees.

Obviously he wanted to hear me out on what I would think of this friend being around (platonically). I told him obviously I can't forbid him from having a friend, but I was also conflicted due to the romantic exclusivity I'm looking for - them having had sex doesn't bother me, but I'm not sure how I feel about his admission of past romantic feelings. It would depend on whether or not they were dissapating or even manageable for him now. I wouldn't mind being friendly with the guy, my fear stems from the feelings inside my FwB being unresolved.

I think he has to sort these feelings out on his own and figure out where his head is at, and how I feel about their friendship will entirely depend on the doubt I sense in him. But I'm not even sure that even if he had unresolved feelings I wouldn't still want to be with him, it just wouldn't feel as safe. I feel like managing those risks within a relationship itself before it manifests as cheating or unhappiness, and accepting whatever outcome, is sort of the whole point of doing an open relationship. To me this is about trust and openness and nothing that has been said in that conversation has made me worry that that isn't what I'm also going to get with him.

He also said that right now his emotions are in the gutter due to other circumstances (career mainly) which also makes it difficult for him to feel where his head is at, and he doesn't want to make any hasty decisions. I wouldn't want him to either, he jumped into his last relationship knowing he didn't have himself onboard, and that fact has seemed shameful to him from my perspective.