Long time lurker. First time posting here.

I (F) am new to poly but my husband and I have an amazing relationship and we are really comfortable with this arrangement. He is my biggest supporter and best friend.

Last year, I met someone that was in an (new) open relationship. We became close friends (for many months) and then lovers. Our relationship started to evolve to something more romantic later and I had a conversation with him about it. It was clear to me that he was in denial of the romantic nature of our relationship and I thought a conversation was in order. It went pretty well and he said he was already talking to his wife about transitioning to poly. I thought everything was perfect.

After several conversations and agreements, I started to notice that he was still talking about us in a very weird way. He treated me perfectly, gave a lot of emotional support when necessary, and did everything for us to be together (we don’t live close) but talking about feelings with him was pretty much impossible. We had another rough conversation and he finally admitted that our connection was romantic for a long time but he didn’t notice before.

Because he was in denial, I believe his wife was not properly informed about the nature of our relationship. I didn’t know any of this. He is a good person and I truly don’t believe it was intentional. Today, he talked to her and apparently she decided to veto our relationship because he betrayed her in her point of view, which I understand. However, he was not even allowed to call me to say goodbye. Our break up was the worst I have ever had. I felt like I was nothing.

I completely understand her reasons. I don’t know her but I always like and respect her (considering all the amazing things he says about her). His marriage is his priority, which is something we both have in common, but I feel betrayed as a friend (our friendship was extremely solid at this point). I thought we would be friends for life regardless the circumstances, and I never knew he was not being clear to her.

He says that he still wants to be friends if his wife is okay with this. But now I don’t know if we can recover from this. I am also worried that she may want to veto our friendship. Any advice here? I am feeling broken and hopeless.

Update: Thank you for the kind DMs I have received. Any support or advice is highly appreciated. I struggle with my mental health due to sex trauma and abuse and this broke me. I am dealing with thoughts right now that I didn’t have for years and I am very scared.