Right off the bat, I (36M) am physically disabled, which for me it means I physically can't do anything (I type using an eye tracker) and I've been with my girlfriend (36F) for nearly a year (we will call her Jackie, not using real name for privacy). 4 months ago, I wanted to bring up and ask Jackie in-person if she wanted to pursue an open relationship simply because I know that I am not able to do 90% of the things that I want to do if I was physically able. To my surprise, SHE asks me if I would want to take an open relationship seriously (since I brought up open relationships in passing) over text message.

This is a NOVEL, hope you're prepared.

I wanted to bring it up and she brings it up instead. Which I would think is a good thing, right?

What I have issue with is something as serious as changing the relationship dynamic being done over text message over meeting in-person. Niether of us have had an open relationship prior to being together, and me being with her would be my first relationship. We both have a conversation about this over text but I still had to discuss this in person because I am the type of person that likes to see the genuine reaction to something. Not seeing each others expressions when it came to having this type of conversation kind of rubs me the wrong way because niether of us can have that reaction about open relationships ever again (maybe I'm wrong?). This conversation over text message happened on a Thursday (4 months ago) and she told me she wanted to be with someone that weekend. I'm like, "wtf we JUST had a conversation to possibly open the relationship, and you want to meet with someone THIS WEEKEND?", I went along with it and between Thursday and Saturday I written out some rules like no sleeping with exes, for example.

She specifically states that being open is only for sex, nothing else. Another rule is if there are feelings, that all contact with the person stops. Also, I have a strict rule that there has to be a group chat if either of us want to have sex with someone. To add to the previous rule, if either of us were friends with someone that we would want to have sex with, normal friendship conversations stay private and if either of us want to have sex with said friend, that there's a conversation in the group chat basically stating that we want to have sex with said person. These rules and several others are for the both of us, not just for her or just for myself. If we want a specific rule just for ourselves, like if Jackie specifies she doesn't want me to share details of who I was with or if I want to watch (or listen) her having sex (NOT as a cuckold), that can be done. For every 'amendment' we write for ourselves, there's one for the other partner.

Jackie states that "people are coming out of the woodworks" because she's had 30-40 one night stands prior to meeting me, and to add to that, she hasn't had sex 2-3 months prior to meeting me. Up until today, she hasn't had sex. I'm like, did she bring up an open relationship, just to have sex that weekend? So she tells me her ex (we will call him Peter) reached out to her to be with her on that weekend. She also states another guy reached out to her (that she had a one night stand with, we'll call Steve). So I go along with it since it's 'only sex' and she assured me that having sex with Peter, would only be for sex, nothing else. She tells me she wanted to sleep with Peter Saturday night through Sunday night, I am not okay with her spending the night with someone she's met before, without me knowing who they are prior. BUT she tells me she wanted to sleep with Peter on Sunday and Steve on Saturday. I'm also not okay with her sleeping with 2 separate dudes one night after the other. She has a drought of sex so she sees an opportunity to have sex, so her mental state craves to be with someone sexually. Because of that weekend, we have the rule of, "either of us can have sex 4x a month but if you want to be with the same person multiple times, that it's a week apart". So Saturday rolls around, she is with Steve, and my mental state when she was with him was just weird, I got super emotional, jealous, angry, happy, depressed, it was a weird feeling. So she calls me after, she says "nothing happened, Steve couldn't get up no matter what we did" and we had a good laugh at it and I was kind of relieved nothing happened. The next day, she says Peter was sick, so she had to postpone. Which I was also relieved of. But in the back of my mind, "did she have sex with Peter anyway? Or, was Steve actually incredible in bed?" Am I crazy to think that way?

A month later, I have an all day appointment for my wheelchair (think of it as spending all day at a mechanic) and me being bored, I call Jackie. She tells me she wants to sleep with, who we'll call Bill, at 3pm, I called her at 12noon. Bill, his girlfriend (we'll call Caroline), Jackie, and myself has a group chat like 2 weeks prior to her telling me this. Bill and Caroline are not open. Me and Jackie decide we can't open another relationship simply because we don't have experience ourselves. Jackie states she's been speaking with Bill behind my back because Bill wants to cheat on Caroline but Jackie tells me she won't cheat on me to be with Bill. This conversation she has with him is because Bill doesn't want to be in a group chat while Caroline is in it...then I suggested to open another group chat with myself, Jackie, and Bill, she didn't think of doing that (is that because she wants to cheat on me?). I wanted to discuss the open relationship further later that afternoon but she tells me this. This next thing probably changed something, I tell her no simply because I need to discuss things a bit more. She was frustrated I told her no, which is understandable but I had to discuss things so there was a good reason I said no, because I want her to enjoy having sex but this isn't a way to be open, for her to be with Bill, without Caroline knowing, I'm not about that.

2 months ago, I had an idea to look on Fetlife specifically for her, so I browsed Fetlife together with Jackie and she trusts that I'd find someone for her with certain specifications that this person can't have dick pics on their profile, for example. I'd show her several profiles and come across someone we'll name Zach and she likes his profile. So I reach out to him explaining my situation and I want to watch both of them go at it at some point. Me being an idiot arrange a meet up with him, without me being there because of my physical limitations. So she meets up with him and it went well, I'm glad everything went well. Last Thursday, Zach comes over to my place to make sure we are on the same page. So everything goes well meeting with him, up until he leaves. While seeing him off, she makes out with him outside my front door (according to her telling me) and Zach fondles her a bit, excited to see her. I get both of them being excited, but they can't wait? I'm upset at her for doing that, but I'm glad she told me, like very glad. Do I be more strict and say something along the lines of "you can't be alone with this guy at any point, I'm not comfortable with the idea of you being alone with him at all" or what should I say? I want her to get her needs met but it's about me as well, right?

Fast forward to today, she is planning to sleep with Zach this weekend, which I'm excited for, only if I'm there physically or virtually. She tells me I can't watch or listen the first time she's with Zach because of what she says is an awkward phase of having sex the first time with someone. I want to listen or watch because Zach is doing something I can't and I want to go through the motions with her being with him, as a way to 'live vicariously' through Zach. So me and Jackie have a compromise where when she's on a break while sleeping with him, that she'd call me. She hasn't had sex in over a year, it's hard to believe she'll call me at any point being with Zach but I'll give her the benefit of a doubt. Part of me wants to push it where I still want to listen or watch them and part of me wants to see what happens. So I'm at a loss here, do I have the both of them go at it, only if I can be there in some way? Or do I let them go at it without me being there, and trust nothing more than sex happens.

If you read this far, I appreciate it, thanks.