Throwaway account obviously. I don’t know who else to talk to about this or where else to post this. Sorry if this is long.

This just happened two days ago. Me and my girlfriend have been talking/fantasizing about nonmonogamous situations where she is with another guy and I’m watching or anything similar to that. We were both into talking about it for a while and one day I brought up maybe she should download Tinder and talk to some guys. We were doing it together the whole time and I helped her make her profile, and she was telling me what people were saying in the messages and it was like an activity for both of us to get off to.

Then a guy asked if she wanted to meet up that night. She was really hesitant but I asked if she thought he was hot and she said yes. I asked if she wanted to do it at all and she said yes but she’s nervous that I would hate her for it. I said no of course I wouldn’t, this is something we’re both into, just as long as it’s not you getting off on cheating it’s more like something we’re both experiencing together. She said she was doing it for us and she felt it would be good for our relationship and our trust with each other, and she said she would film the whole thing for me so I could have like a POV of her giving a blowjob and stuff. I was into that so I agreed and told her to go ahead and do it but we had to set some boundaries first.

There are some things that make this situation complicated. First of all, we’re in a long distance relationship and we live in separate countries. All of this talk was happening over video call. I know some people are skeptical about if that counts as a real relationship or whatever but we literally spend every day and night on the phone together seeing each other and we’re very close and we love each other.

The second thing that makes this complicated is that she’s 18 and a virgin. She promised she didn’t want him to take her virginity, she’s saving that part of herself for me, she would only do hand stuff and blowjobs and things like that, and like she said before it was for us and she specifically wanted to take videos of the whole thing for me.

We had a long conversation about her being extremely careful to not even let his dick close to going inside her and not to let him push her boundaries. She said she would 100% stick up for herself and she would be texting me beforehand and would let me know when they were about to start doing something and when she was going to start filming. And she said if I wanted to call it off at any point then I could call or text and she would go home.

The guy seemed nice, he said she was pretty and he was excited to meet her and wanted to take her to dinner first but she didn’t really want to. She told him she was a virgin and didn’t want to lose it and he said he understood and would respect that. She said she was really nervous and had never done this before and he said if she wanted to call it off or go home at any point then he would do that and would go out of his way to make her feel comfortable.

We both felt reassured that it was going to be okay, so with all of these boundaries in place, we were both initially excited about this and she agreed to have him come pick her up and go to his house.

He picked her up on a motorcycle so she couldn’t text me on the way, but she texted me as soon as she got to his house. I got really nervous about everything as soon as she left. But I felt like I could trust her to make the right call for herself and I wanted to be encouraging if it’s what she wanted. I asked if she was safe and she said yes, I asked if she felt uncomfortable and she said no just nervous. I said as long as you still want this, everything’s gonna be okay but if you change your mind please say something. She was texting me for about ten minutes while he was showering, then suddenly she stopped responding for about 20 mins and I started getting kind of scared. I said i miss you i didn’t think you were gonna stop texting so soon, just let me know what’s going on when you get a chance.

When she finally texted me back she said he got on top of her after he came out of the shower and started kissing her but she got scared so he stopped. She said she was still horny but scared, I said remember if you change your mind it’s okay i won’t be upset. She said he went to reset his wifi and she was gonna try to do it when he came back, we said we loved each other and then she stopped responding for two hours.

Five minutes after she stopped responding I started feeling seriously freaked out and worried. I was texting her that I’m regretting this and I don’t want this anymore and saying please read my messages, for two hours straight I didn’t stop texting and I couldn’t understand why she didn’t tell me that he came back and that she was about to stop texting me for a while, this was one of the boundaries we set. Finally she messaged me after two hours of worrying and freaking out because I didn’t want her to do it anymore. She said they already did it and so I begged her to call me and then on the phone I couldn’t stop crying and I asked her to please just get out of there and come home. She said he thought she was going to spend the night but she wanted to go home. he kept her there for longer by saying he was ordering food because he was hungry and it’s a long drive so he would bring her home after. But half an hour later he just called her an uber so I guess that was bullshit.

On the ride home we were texting and I asked why she didn’t text me like she said she would and she said she was sorry and she just forgot. Later on she told me she had put her phone on do not disturb because she thought he would be filming her but that was like an hour before they started doing anything. She started getting really upset with me for being angry that she didn’t text me like she promised or read my texts telling her not to go through with it and she started talking about how this was clearly a mistake and she doesn’t think we can come back from this and she doesn’t get why I’m treating her like this when she did it for us. Then she said she feels used and disgusting and sick and said she might pass out. That’s when I started getting concerned that something bad happened that she wasn’t telling me.

when she got home she said she was so sore and tired and he was really rough with her even though she said to go easy on her because she was nervous and he knew that. She also said that she told him repeatedly that she didn’t want him inside her at all but he kept flipping her on her back and trying to rub his dick against her and there was one point where she thought he was fingering her but when she looked down he had switched them and was dipping the tip of his dick in and out. She gave in and agreed to just the tip because he kept asking. Usually when we talked about that kind of scenario she finds it hot, she likes talking about having it rough and all that so I asked if it was good and she said she wasn’t sure but it was different. I thought she was saying all this in a good way as if it wasn’t what she expected but she liked it anyway and I felt really upset that she broke my trust and that she let him inside her exactly like what I said not to do.

The rest of our conversation is kind of a blur but at some point she fell asleep and I realized that she had put the video in our shared library and I stupidly thought maybe I would find it hot and it would make me feel better about the whole thing but it made things way worse for me. It wasn’t POV of her doing stuff like I expected, it was propped up vertically and had a full view of both of them in the bed. She was kissing him and holding his hand tight while he fingered her and moaning so loud and she started sucking on his fingers and then they did the 69 position and she looked at the camera while she went down on him and it hurt me so bad to watch. And just like she said, he was really rough and kept grabbing her and flipping her over to her back and trying to put his dick in, but what I saw shocked me.

A couple times she said wait no don’t do that but there was one moment where I saw him position himself and thrust all the way inside. Then another part where he said just the tip and she said swear and he said pinky swear but then she wrapped her arms and legs around his back and he went all the way in again. And then another part he thrusted in and out like 4 times and was saying oh fuck and they were both moaning and stuff and I felt so fucking mad and cheated and at the end they were just holding each other kissing and she got up to turn off the video and she called him sexy and he said that it went in a couple times and she laughed and said “pfff shut up” like jokingly.

After seeing all this I was convinced that she was a liar and a cheater so I woke her up to confront her about it. When she was fully awake she explained everything to me from beginning to end, and said of the same stuff as before, she told him her boundaries and he did it anyway, and she gave in. But this is where things started to click for me and I understood what happened.

She said she felt no pleasure the whole time, she didn’t feel turned on she felt anxious and didn’t want to fuck up, at first everything he was doing was extremely painful especially the hard fingering which left her really sore. Then she felt completely numb and that’s why she couldn’t even tell if his dick was in her or not. She felt unattracted to him, turned off, dazed, and scared but faked pleasure because she didn’t want to upset him. She said the things she said were to appear more confident and everything she said and did was like she was on autopilot.

I told her what I saw on the video and she didn’t even remember him going all the way inside her at all and started sobbing because she was devastated to know that happened to her. She said she’s 100% sure now that she was raped, but she doesn’t want to report it or anything. She just wants to forget about it because she’s really traumatized and also feels extremely guilty towards me for going through with it at all, and she feels like it was her fault that she put herself in that situation. I’ve been reassuring her but I also keep crying and feeling really awful because I saw everything on that video, and even though I know the way she was acting wasn’t real and she was in pain, it was so traumatic to watch my girlfriend with another guy especially knowing it was her first real sexual experience and it wasn’t even with me, and I feel horrible about what happened to her and how I played a part in encouraging her to go through with it.

I don’t know what to do with these feelings and I’m conflicted between resenting her for putting herself in the situation and feeling so much pain and sympathy for her because of what she went through against her will. We both just want to forget about it but I can’t the images and sounds out of my head, that’s why I described so much of it before, I feel like I’m spiraling whenever I think about it so I’ve just been trying to push it down until I can see my therapist. We agreed we never want to talk about that kind of fantasy again and we’re going to be strictly monogamous and vanilla and gentle with each other for a while.

On a separate note, yesterday I realized we finally both had enough money saved between the two of us for her to buy a plane ticket to come be with me, so we did that and it makes me feel a little better that I’ll be able to hold her and make her feel safe and also know that she’s right in front of me, in my arms not with someone else. I hope it will things better for us.