Warning- long post but beyond thankful for any advice I can get. My best friend is poly and I had no idea what that even meant til I met her and she came onto me one night while drinking and we made out. I went home and l told my husband what had happened, and he says you have always had an attraction to females as long as I have known you. . My husband was fine with me doing and pursuing anything with her as long as he was present. . I am happily married to my husband of 23 years and have never been with anyone but him. My best friend is in a committed relationship with her soon to be husband and they are both open to poly relationships. We begin all hanging out as 2 couples and I end up sleeping with her while the men watch… alcohol was always involved. She suggests we all work on having a polycule together. I had no idea what this was and boundaries were roughly established as we went. We get an Airbnb together and we all end up fooling around together… alcohol involved and at this time no partner swapping…. Just us all together more her and I than anything and then having sex with our partners. After the Airbnb, she suggests we work on individual couples and we text each individually. All of this transpired over the course of roughly 4 months. We begin to text each other individually and work on bonds… she begins pouring all of her efforts into my husband and they hit it off like effortlessly. I on the other hand struggle to develop connection with her significant other. Still don’t like rushing any of this…. Fast forward, we decide on another Airbnb to build connections . I told my husband before that I was worried it would lead to sex with her significant other and did not want to rush it and he said I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to. We get to Airbnb and we drink and she pretty much ends up fucking him beside me and then she helps put the condom on for him to fuck me and I went with it. Horrible night after… told hubby I was forced to do something I wasn’t ready for. He apologized and cries and says I won’t do anything to hurt u again and that he thought it was what I wanted. Everything intensifies…. We still try to work on bonds and mine and his don’t compare to theirs… her significant has trouble with erection and we are on to different streets.. they can have sex and me and him are struggling… both her and my husband want to make me feel ok and are there to support my feelings. Long story short, I continue to push past my feelings and not vocalize them bc my hubby is beyond happy and he reassures me that him and I will get there. I develop mad jealousy about them. The moment we split off into individual sex sessions which I never wanted but she couldn’t focus or so she said was when things got really bad. I become physically ill thinking about them but push on bc I love them both.
Finally, pump the brakes and say how I feel but their connection feels stronger than mine and hers. It takes me blowing up on my hubby after reading his messages with her; for him to admit he enjoyed the attention and lost sight of me. He said he would stop all talk so I can gain back my best friend, but I don’t know if I even want that…I feel so hurt and betrayed by both…and he says I should not be upset bc you gave me permission to invest and I guess I did. She also doesn’t want to lose me as her friend or lover but doesn’t realize where I am at….. What should I do? …. I really just want my marriage back before I was so wreckless.