I have nowhere to turn about this situation and it's been increasingly building over a number of years. Me and my partner ( we will call him Jay have been open non monogamy / polly-ish for 5 years neither of us have dated anyone post pandemic.

It's been great for us and has worked out well untill reccently/ these past few years.

My partner Jay has a strong fear and gets uptight about stds this has gotten worse now that he has been taking prep and barebacking more often . I'm not saying I don't get stds they happen but not as frequently because I do more side play, less risk but I do fuck is I'm dating and it's headed more regularly.

My stance on stds is that With men who have sex with men - it happens, there is treatment there's no point stressing about it. Admittedly It has gotten in the way at times when I've started dating someone new and here we are, another std. I try not to agrivate the situation My partner however gets intensely stressed about it to the point of where he says things like " why can't I just be able to go and enjoy myself, it's like every time I have sex I get an std". I got so frustrated about it last year that I suggested we close the relationship for a while just to re connect and he refused saying that he's happy with this lifestyle and feels he has more autonomy and doesn't want to close things even temporarily.

To be honnest lately the occurrences where he has been contracting stds, it has been about once or twice a year. He's on prep and absolutely refuses to use a condom now saying he doesnt like the feeling, they don't bring him pleasure, and flat out he doesn't want to use them. It's frustrating because if I say anyrhing he gets uptight about it to the point of it becoming an argument. He gets an std and he becomes moody about it and gets stressed.

This is all in contrast of ( 4 years ago) when he had a exclusive regular partner and I contracted an std from one of my regular partners who I had condom less sex as a bottom with, he said we had to sit down and have a talk about condom use with other people . We did and of course I agreed. At the time I wanted to take the next step with my then partner and I was at fault for not discussing that with my longterm partner first. At the point we were still working things out with our openness and rules.

So the no condom thing has come about because he takes prep. His regular partners lately aren't exclusive with him so essentially they are casual partners (imo, he doesn't agree) as they sleep with other people. He asks them when they were last tested, and tells me the gauges risk with them however the std scares kept happening.

Then about 8 months ago he got chlymida, this ended up triggering an immune response and he's had reactive arthritis since. It's improved slightly with steroids and there are no infilmation markers after being checked out so I don't know how the immune response will play out if this will be longterm or he will heal.

Now since this has happened it's made his fear greater with stds. I understand his frustration but he is still being difficult about condom use. He's now mentioned that he wants to close the relationship, it's not something I am immediately ready to do. I've said I will think about it and we will talk about it at another day.

As I've said don't bareback often if I do its with someone regular and take prep and for me it's mostly side play with casual partners. I have mentioned this is what I get up to and my partner says that doesn't get him off. Which is fine however I resent that he refuses to use condoms and now he wants to close the relationship because of his desicions. We had an argument lately over the fact that I didn't suggest closing the relationship because he's slowed down with his partners due to the reccent health issue. I didn't want to bring it up because he was adimant that's not what he wanted when I asked him last time. I'd also like to add I was r tested this week and all clear after being tested 6nkbths ago and getitng the all clear again.

I love him we have been toegther for 13 years and we still have sex and it's enjoyable. The whole thing is a mess. I don't really know where to go from here. Sorry it's such a long post!

Tldr : partner refused to use condoms with casual / regular partners and got chlymida that gave him immune response arthritis. Now wants to close the relationship and I am in two minds.