Please spare me of “I should be talking to my therapist instead of Reddit.” I’m seeking discussion among peers, maybe a bit of validation or empathy, and anecdote. We did start counseling last month, but he did so reluctantly.

I have a long history with depression that I realize has been a contributing shadow during the series of stressful life situations, and currently going through the worst exacerbation in a long time. I have pretty good self awareness, but my practice in being an observer of my thoughts and emotions is still novice. I also have quite the collection of past trauma in the presence of HSP- parentification, SA, and domestic violence being are the big ones. I see my current professional AND personal life heavy in emotional labor: I’m a hospice nurse, and have been attempting ENM with my husband for the last year because of his asking. Also, I am just little more than a year post-partum.

A sign I recognize of my depression taking the wheel is when I am preoccupied with dissociation. That was my coping mechanism all while growing up, plus maybe a combination of fight-flight. My “trauma brain” (as my therapist calls it) has caused hyper vigilance, and it’s difficult for me to differentiate between my perception of what and who is an actual risk to my well being and life stability. It’s exhausting to be always talking myself down. It feels like I am basically gaslighting myself, which seems to me like wading in insanity waters. I’m sensitive to perceptions of being disrespected. I have great difficulty with trust. My husband and I have been mis-stepping and communicating ineffectively in this time. I’ve been getting hurt by his assumptions, lack of communication, mis-judgments, and general insufficient emotional support and intimacy. I’ve read Open Deeply and Polysecure, and attended individual therapy.

I’m putting space between myself and my hospice job at this time by volunteering for low census whenever I can, using PTO, and working with another company as per diem. My husband and I did decide to hault solo activities a month ago because our therapist said “walk, don’t run” as I feel like I have been pulled along too quickly in the opening of our relationship, and was usually struggling emotionally to some degree. Group play has always felt more safe and been a good experience for me, but he prefers solo. I felt really bad about outside partners maybe feeling like or treated like they were disposable, but I definitely needed a break and wasn’t sure exactly if this was just a pause and for how long. It’s hard to hurry up and be ok, you know? So, we informed our partners of the situation being uncertain and that our primary relationship was in need of some repair, but left it as we didn’t need to be completely no contact at that time.

My husband is still in contact with another woman. She lives hours away, but pretty much took it as their contact between maybe ever meeting again would go unchanged. They chat everyday, and there is some sexting as well. One night last week, I sprung up, handed him his phone and told him I wanted him to stop talking to her. I was trying to cope with and work through my annoyance about the situation, as my FWBs seemed to be quite respectful and understood to give me and my husband space to figure things out. He scoffed, called me ridiculous, and didn’t communicate it to her. I meant it at the time that I wanted contact to be stopped because I realized it’s too grey to leave the door open a crack and was not feeling optimistic about how our reconnection and repairing was going, especially with them continuing to build their connection like this. And I updated my FWBs that things were closed closed with me and my husband. We kindly bid farewell. My husband asked me the next day if that’s what I really wanted. I think it is, but my depression is holding me back from knowing what to do. I’m feeling very guilty about my poor mental health dragging down and interfering with the lives of others. It seems my predicament is the choice between respecting his autonomy and taking sole accountability for the effects of my lack of self worth and trust issues; or requesting exclusivity again because I’m feeling so unwell about us and in general. The former feels lonely and struggle on-going, and the latter feels selfish and small. I’m aware that I am in the midst of a fearful-avoidant attachment rupture. All this self-work has been a very raw experience. Universe forbid I make my dissociative imaginings of walking away from my situation altogether a reality because we have children and a whole life together planned out. I know we love each other, but it seems we don’t love each other well. He struggles to show me compassion and seeing the point in simple validation of my feelings. If I don’t feel heard and understood, how can I be confident we proceed wiser from our mistakes?

The meta suggested we all meet. It seems as though keeping my husband’s friendship is quite important to her. She very quickly and very much opened up to him emotionally and seems to be getting a bit attached. I bet she really is a nice person, albeit weak on boundaries (?). I’m a caring person, and were is not for my state of spiritual fatigue, she could keep a pretty special person in her life. Issues above as described about my husband aside, he’s a fucking catch and a genuine dude. Before we even opened, I had even thought meeting metas would something I would require, but later realized that was not practical. Also, we don’t want poly. We just imagined openness and friendliness and more freedom in general. I’m curious if this is something that will be reassuring and I have not definitely said yes or no. There is a part of me that is bitter and envious of how responsive and supportive of her he is. He’s also very kind, patient, and nurturing of our children.

What do we make of this mess people? Just some outside perspective from emotionally intelligent, experienced folks are welcome. I’m a well meaning person who is just going through a weird time. Thanks for your time.