I'll try to make this as brief as possible.

I (40M) started dating a someone (44F) several months ago. Let's call her Emily. At the time I was dating two other women and she was dating two other men. She was actually dating someone she called her primary partner at the time. I was fine with this. We even had a MFM threesome with the primary during that time. Right around New Years the relationship between her and her primary fell apart right around the same time she went on a trip to a swingers resort in Jamaica with her other partner.

This is when I started to experience some weird communication from her towards me. While she was away in Jamaica, and I was at a New Years rave she started to send me texts saying I didn't care about her because she was alone (in Jamaica with her other partner) while I was at a rave with one of my dates. Apparently she had a falling out with her other partner during that time, and she was feeling upset. My issue was that I felt like she was gaslighting me into saying I didn't care for her simply because all of a sudden she was alone and she was jealous that I was with a date.

When she returned from the trip we met up. I fully expected us to communicate about what the problem was, but she just brushed it aside as her just being upset in the moment. This bothered me because I felt like I didn't get any understanding or insight into the gaslighting.

Fast forward a couple months. My other relationships have remained the same. I am still seeing the same two women I was when Emily and I first started seeing each other. Emily on the other hand has not been able to find other partners. The lashing out and gaslighting has only gotten worse. If I am out on a date she will start to bombard me with text after text saying I don't love her or care for her. Then when I try to talk to her about it when we are together the next day she brushes it off saying she was just being emotional and all that she needs to do is find other partners.

I have asked if she wants to have a go at monogamy, and she just says she doesn't know. I have asked her what she needs from me and all she can say is that she needs to find other partners. I am fine with this. I encourage her to date. But she is telling me it isn't fair that I have other lovers when she doesn't. She has the ability and freedom to get other lovers, she just doesn't have any right now. It is at a point where if I continue with her I will not be able to continue to see my other partners.

When her and I are together our connection is amazing. Everything feels effortless. But when we are apart if she knows I am out with someone it turns bad. The way she communicates with me during those times reminds me of high school romance squabbles. Very immature from my pov.

We just got back from a trip to San Francisco. The days leading up to the trip were a nightmare, and I was about to cancel everything and end the relationship. But the time together on the trip was perfection.

My question ... I am considering entering into a monogamous relationship with her. But my extreme concern is her inability to communicate effectively with me and what I see as her not taking responsibility for her own feelings. The gaslighting is triggering to me bc my ex-wife had borderline personality disorder and she would attempt to gaslight me all the time. I feel like she wants to lock me down because she is jealous. But I feel I won't be given that same courtesy if the tables were turned. Is this sort of poor communication something that a successful relationship can be built upon?

I think what Emily really wants is a monogamous relationship. But I am baffled about why she can't just communicate that to me. That inability to communicate effectively makes me fear that its just a matter of time before something else comes up.

Any advice?