After a brief and unsuccessful stint in nonmonogamy in 2021 that ended with a sad/mad girlfriend, we've been monogamous since without really bringing the idea back around. Fast forward to now... She's been walking with the neighbor, single m, for the past month... a lot. They've been walking another neighbor's dog that she apparently "just loves". I've been working super hard the past month, taking classes and have been generally pretty stressed and probably a little bit absent in the emotional department. I asked her 3 days ago if there's anything going on with her and the neighbor dude and she says "no, just walking a dog she likes". Last night she sits me down and says she's catching feels for the neighbor and talks about trying an open relationship again.
We've been together 8 years and get along pretty well most of the time.. We've got a lot in common... same interests in most things. We've also got problems... our sex life is terrible is the and the #1 problem and we don't share the same love languages(me touch, her gifts/dates). It was great to begin with but for the past 5 years it has been awful. Mostly her laying down and wishing it was over. Very nonsexy for both of us. We also own a ton of shit together and it would be a nightmare split up scenario financially. Ultimately, i believe we do love each other though.
I'm glad she's being honest with me but I'm a little pissed that she wants an open relationship now that she's got a new crush. She was against the idea before getting close with this dude. I have very little jealous tendencies and didn't even think twice when they started walking together (and honestly i don't really mind the guy and he's pretty good looking) but I feel like I got taken advantage of. Is it too late to make this situation work? I've always thought this would be my last monogamous relationship if we ever split so should I just go with it and see how it shakes out?
I'm glad you're asking, you're certainly valid in your feelings about things and my comment is going to have some feedback, please know that it's coming from a place of guidance.
Generally speaking...it's a bad idea to open up with a specific person in mind.
Also generally speaking...ENM makes flaws in existing relationships more apparent. It doesn't cover up gaps in existing relationships, it widens them.
So this is definitely a dangerous path to walk for your existing relationship and mostly sounds like a monogamous partner that is suddenly open to non-monogamy because of a specific person rather than actually believing that ENM is the best path.
For most people I'd suggest counseling and keeping things closed.
However, given part of your post, if you feel like "I want this to work, I'm accepting the risk it might not and I want to get better at ENM because I believe that's where I want to go if it doesn't"...then maybe you're going in eyes wide open and maybe things can work out.
One final thought and this is just to help clarify conversation because terminology can matter, this also isn't an "open relationship", it's polyamory (if it's mostly about the romantic engagement).
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- 9 months ago
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