Rant/vent/advice needed? Content warning for graphic discussion of calorie restriction and weight loss that may be triggering to people who have or have had an eating disorder. Additional content warning for nongraphic discussion of self harm (BFRB). Reader discretion is highly advised.

Hello! You all know me, lol. I’ve (23-almost-24F) been dating my S/O (27M) for almost 5 years now. We’ve been nonmonogamous from the start. While we’ve had our bumps, the relationship has generally been awesome. He’s great! Absolutely no complaints about the relationship. We both basically have free rein to come (hehe) and go as we please.

Here’s the thing though: both of our body images are in the shitter right now. For me, I’m now trying to gain weight. At my last doctor’s appointment I learned that I’ve been unintentionally not eating a lot since I started my new meds. For context, I got diagnosed with ADHD and last spring I got on stimulants (which are awesome except for this one part). I’m used to eating intuitively and had a pretty good relationship with food (and with my body. I was on the squishy side, but I did like how soft my body looked!), so I didn’t notice when the stimulants cut my appetite and I kept eating intuitively (aka only when hungry, small portions, and so on). Long story short I went from “pretty healthy weight” to “downright underweight”. My nice squishy thighs got smaller, my soft tummy is gone, and worst of all… my boobs shrank!! :((((((

I’m calorie counting to make sure I’m eating enough now, and it’s becoming more and more obvious that before this I was not eating enough to keep a person alive. So that’s a fun thing to sit with!

I also suffer from BRFB, aka body-focused-repetitive-behaviors. It’s an ADHD/OCD-spectrum disorder that causes compulsive skin-picking, nail-biting, hair-pulling, and many other behaviors. Mine mostly manifests as mindless hair-pulling, or trichotillomania. Anyone else with the disorder can tell you that it really does a number on your self-confidence. I’m also working on that with meds and therapy and supplements and topicals, but lately it’s been worse for numerous reasons out of my control.

As for S/O, he doesn’t feel great about his body image in a similar-but-kind-of-opposite direction. He’s trying to lose weight and build muscle, and he’s also dealing with androgenic hair loss and is not coping well.

I can swear up and down the walls that he’s still smoking hot to me, but that won’t change how he feels about his body. I totally get it… because I feel the same way about him complimenting me!

It’s tough! I do most of the cooking, so I have to balance my desire to bolster a meal with lots of healthy fats and starches with my S/O’s desire to eat leaner. He wants to work out at home more, while my doctor specifically told me to stay away from cardio while I make my necessary dietary adjustments (prior to this when we were both working out together, the togetherness was a big motivator!). I’m on birth control and using topicals/supplements for regrowth and my hair is actively growing back pretty quickly, but my S/O also sees me actively undo all of that after one rough day while he struggles to find a treatment that works for him.

It’s not like we don’t have sex, because we do. With each other it’s about once every few weeks (I just had an unrelated surgery last week so that’s put a damper on things lol). We also have a group that throws sex parties now and then, and we do attend those because we feel close to all of those people. But when it comes to meeting new people??? We’re both like “hisss, don’t look at me!”

S’yeah. If anyone else is struggling with this or has struggled with any of this, sound off. Working on yourself is hard. Going outside is hard. Loving yourself is hard, but feeling hot enough to go out and see people is so so so much harder. I’d love to get back on the apps, but not when I feel this crummy about my body (I’d likely need to take new pictures… and that on its own is a huge roadblock, haha).