So my partner and I have been together for over a decade. We have had sex with other people together. We’ve enjoyed that and want to keep doing that. They recently came to me and said that they did something without me and have decided that they want to keep doing it. They assumed that since we have had sex with other people before that it was ok to do it individually. I don’t consider it cheating because I look at sex differently than most people, but I thought If we got to that point we would discuss it beforehand. Doing stuff with others individually was never off of the table, it was just never brought to the table and actually discussed. When they did bring it to the table they basically decided that they were going to keep doing it and that they hoped I would be fine with it and have my own individual fun as-well. Ultimately though it wasn’t really a discussion it was just like I want to do this and I’m going to keep doing it so either you are on board or you are not. Again I’m open to the idea, but it was never presented as a conversation it was presented as more of an ultimatum.

Ultimately I decided that it wasn’t that big of a deal as I am also interested in having my own experiences. The problem that I am having now is that this has all just started and our entire relationship has changed. For 8 years we have had a very trusting relationship. Now it’s the opposite. They are glued to their phone which they never were before. They stopped sharing their location with me. When I ask about the location they just gaslight me and told me I’m trying to control them. They changed their passcode on their phone. I never went through it before anyway. Anytime I ask what they are doing they now lie to my face about it.

When we had our initial conversation about this we said we would be open and talk with each other. Not necessarily the specific details of our encounters, but just let each other know when we had dates, when we were talking with people. Just the basics. What it has turned into so far is they have decided to become the most secretive person and have openly lied to my face. Basically they have done a complete 180 on our relationship.

I’ve told them exactly when I started talking with people. When I have gone on dates with people I’ve been very open about everything so far and I’ve gotten the opposite from them.

When I try and bring the conversation up they throw it in my face and tell me I’m being crazy, ridiculous, and controlling. Which is the opposite of what I want, I just want what we discussed and for us to have the trust we had before all of this. Now I feel like I can’t trust them at all and I don’t understand why this has ended up this way.

I do think they still want to be with me but right now this isn’t working for me…. I don’t know what to do and I worried that my relationship has been pushed toward a path of ending, because I no longer feel like I have a partner I feel like I have a roommate. Our intimacy was fine even after this conversation but for the past 2-3 weeks our intimacy has been non existent…. Not just sex but anything no hugs, no love, no appreciation, no cuddling. Half the nights they are no longer sleeping next to me even.

Like I said idk what to do and I don’t know anyone else personally that has lived a life other than complete monogamy. Which is definitely not what I want, but I don’t have anyone who even understands the idea of even sleeping with other people.

Any advice would be nice. Thanks in advance.