Apologies in advance for the long read, but I feel context is important here...

I (M30) have been in a relationship with my GF (29) for almost 8 years. I am her first and only sexual partner. We have great sex, and she describes herself as 'definitely not vanilla' which, despite having a heap of sex toys and restraints, I would dispute as these seem to only come out when drunk. Around two years into our relationship, after a night of heavy drinking and having sex, I expressed my desire to have a threesome with her and explore non-monogamy. In that moment she was very shocked but took it very well, didn't express any judgement; but simply laughed about it the day after and would often playfully tease me for how fucked up I got that night and what I drunkenly told her. Every so often when we were drinking, the talk of threesomes would come up and she would humour my fantasy telling me the idea turned her on and if the right circumstances ever arose, she may do it in the future.

Fast forward to 2019, we still hadn't seriously (or soberly) discussed the idea of involving another person in our sex life, leaving it for the occasional drunken conversations as dirty talk. I was still obsessed with the idea however, as someone who has had 50 sexual partners, I know the thrill of having new sexual experiences and the superhuman confidence those experiences gave me. I was researching how to make it a reality (I hadn't yet joined Reddit ) but still had hoped that one day she might have an epiphany and that an opportunity would drop out of the sky onto our lap.

Whilst on summer vacation in 2022, we were out for drinks in the evening and were bar-hopping. We had walked by a Swingers club - I playfully nudged her - and proceeded onto the next bar. On the way back, I managed to convince her to go into the swingers club (after some reluctance on her part - she was pretty nervous). We promised only to have one drink in there to satiate my curiosity, but as we sat and watched other couples having fun, she really relaxed and was content to stay. So much so, after another few drinks, we were in the play section, nude and fucking each other; she was super turned on. Whilst we did not play with anyone else, she LOVED watching others, and felt pretty comfortable fooling around with me in front of others. When we got home, she put on her sexy lingerie and heels, and led me out to our balcony to fuck. We had the best sex ever that evening. I was convinced this was the start of our swinging journey. The next day, and the months that followed, she confessed how guilty and dirty she felt about attending the club, despite such an amazing time we had. She was still glad we went, however.

Fast foward to 2023, we went on another vacation, to a destination which I knew was a hotspot for swinging couples and clubs. Whilst we did not discuss attending a club before this vacation, I was secretly holding out hope another similar encounter might happen. As luck would have it, it did. We "stumbled upon" a swingers bar and eventually into the adjoining swingers club. We ended up fucking in the jacuzzi, however, as the club was a little empty and there was some creepy guys in the club, she really did not enjoy this experience, and again vocalised her guilt and shame the following day and the following months.

After this, I decided not to bring up swinging, threesomes or clubs at all. I assumed she just needed time. Later in 2023, when preparing for yet another vacation (to the same place we went in 2022) she had mentioned about potentially attending the swingers club on one of the nights, which was music to my ears. A week before jetting off, one morning after heavy drinking (probably still drunk) we shared a shower and I had mentioned being excited to attend the swingers club again. To my shock, I got a sharp reply to the effect of "we aren't going on vacation just to do that!". I was confused as she had initally suggested it to me! I was super dissapointed to say the least, and again vowed never to bring it up again.

So, whilst on this vacation, we were drinking in bars around the same area as the club. After a few drinks she had semi-jokingly suggested that the next bar-stop could be the swingers club with a cheeky smile, which I was delighted to hear but having felt burnt before, I just smiled and gave her a thumbs up. I was so annoyed about her prior response to me in the shower when we were soberish, I decided that until she seriously spoke to me about attending (ideally not under the influence of alcohol), that I wouldn't be leading the way this time and making the decision to attend; I wanted clear communication about attending not a joke. We stayed in the same bar and later I called a cab for us to return to the hotel. A few nights later, a similar thing; a seemingly half-joking suggestion. Maybe I cut my nose off to spite my face here, but I did not bite at her suggestion.

Two nights ago, again whilst drinking, we had talked about having better communication for 2024 which would lead to better intimacy, sex etc. It was a great conversation. Out of the blue, she had asked me if I would want to attend another swingers club again. I said I would love to, but that I know that she probably didn't due to the second experience we had, and her very sharp reply to my suggestion of attending another one. She replied that she genuinely did not remember reacting to me like that, that she was probably hungover and her head was up her ass and was stressed trying to get ready. She expressed that she was definitely open to attending another one, although she does struggle with the guilt and shame of attending. She also told me that she recently masturbated with her dildo (which she never does) and that she again felt dirty and guilty about afterward.

So in conclusion, whilst I'm really happy about our recent conversation around potentially attending a club and playing with other people, I am concerned that my GF may be experiencing repressed sexuality and shame which is preventing her from having the sexual awakening she deserves and joining me in being open and willing to start swinging/non-monogamy.

Has anyone else had similar experiences with their gf/wife? Is this a temporary phase and is there anything I can do to help her?

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