Hey. Just looking for support.

My (54F) husband (72M) opened up our marriage a year ago mostly because of dead bedroom. We want to stay married, and opening the marriage livened things up for us quite a bit at first but (as is typical) I'm finding partners and he is not. Obviously, he'll have even more trouble than most men finding partners, due to his age. The newness has worn off the open marriage thing and right now neither one of us is too excited about it.

It was so exciting at first, with the first partner I found (Brian - 47). He was also in a dead bedroom situation and we were each others only partners. His girlfriend lives a couple hours away and only comes home on some weekends. I liked being his only sexual partner - it made me feel like I was important to him. I cared for him deeply and the relationship was intense. The sex was beyond amazing (but maybe it just felt that way because he was the first man I'd been with other than my husband in 20 years). We saw each other for 10 months. Unfortunately, he had major mental health and addiction issues and I had no choice but to end things. We still talk sometimes and we just can't be together.

I had an ideal picture in my head of how I wanted things to be and I think maybe the picture was unrealistic and unobtainable. I want to find a guy who's in a similar situation as me - committed to staying with their spouse/partner through thick and thin but really needing intimacy/sex. Someone I could have a real loving supportive relationship with but not share finances or responsibilities or anything like that. I want to be one another's oases - a place we go often for sex/joy - but then we go back to our homes and primary partners.

Since breaking up with Brian I've talked to a few guys and they were interested in meeting up but I started feeling like I'll never find what I'm looking for. Maybe I have a bit of PTSD/distrust after Brian. I've talked to a couple single guys who are looking for nonmonogamy but felt like if I met them I'd just be inviting drama into my life. Then I started thinking maybe I was expecting too much/my goals were too high. I thought maybe it would be good to meet a guy who didn't need need/want such closeness.

I met David (48) - zero red flags, totally mentally stable, ENM. He's looking for a long term FWB. His profile said "FWB/poly/KTP" but I don't think he really knew what poly/KTP meant because he doesn't think he'll ever be able to do overnights. He lives close to me and he's married with one "friend" a couple hours away that he's hooked up with once and talks to daily. He has kids and a busy work schedule so finding someone closer is good for him. He and his wife are newish to ENM, too. She's had a couple FWBs that fizzled out. They've done one swap, she's looking for a long term FWB, and they're dabbling in swinging.

We hooked up a couple times and he's great in bed but I just feel empty. Like....why am I doing this? We spent about 4 hours at a hotel together and he was cuddling me and I was just feeling like "why am I cuddling this man I don't love?" I felt like if he's got that friend a couple hours away that he's talking to, and he and his wife are swinging, he doesn't need me. I want to be needed - emotionally and sexually.

IDK what to do. I don't think I could stay with my husband if we had to be monogamous, and I want to stay in my marriage. I need intimacy, so it seems the only choice is ENM, but I don't feel like I can enjoy intimacy without love. I don't want to just be a casual side piece, I want a true deep connection......how do I find that without meeting men and spending enough time with them to find out if there's a connection/chemistry/need. But I don't want to "try guys out." I don't want to sleep around. I want the real deal....The One.....a long term, real, loving, very sexually satisfying relationship.

I feel like forgetting about the whole thing and just putting all my focus and attention on my hobbies/platonic friendships. I know if we try to close the marriage back up I'll just be right back there on the apps "shopping for The One." I feel sad and like things aren't going to work out.