Sorry if this is a little rambly. I'm at work and just in a bad head space and need advice. No one else in my immediate circle understands non-monogamy related issues, so I figure here is the best place.

Me (33/m) and my partner (30/f) have been together for around 2-3 years. I’ve always been into open relationships/cuck voyuerism (I like it to be filmed/be on FaceTime. Not actually there, cause I feel awkward just standing there after a while. I’m a big mental stimulation person) , but I don't want to do solo play for me. I'm cool with group play where I'm involved, but I'd rather my partner do the sexual exploration and I kind of "set them up."

I’ve brought the topic up to her before and she’s seemed very receptive. She’s had a trip planned to visit family in her hometown, and there is a male friend of hers she said in the past she regrets not getting with (super fit in shape model-esque african american guy - complete opposite of me; I am short and as pale as casper) and so I felt this was a perfect opportunity to see if she wanted to take the leap.

We discussed it, and she was super excited. I told her the only stipulation was that she film it and send it to me. She agreed (she also said he was cool with it, although I don't know him and can't confirm if this was true) and she seemed to be totally down and ready to go. Leading up to the trip she would drop little sexy hints via text and show me what he said. Ask me what outfits to wear It felt like we were on the same page.

She leaves on Friday. Her texts are a little scattered and few, but that’s normal cause she rarely looks at her phone when she's out of the house. Sunday she said she never got a chance to film anything with him, but after some additional talking, revealed they had sex multiple times from Friday until I’m assuming as we speak (she’s still out of town) including doing public play/sneaking off to have sex places. There were also separate times where she’d just blow him randomly, so multiple opportunities to film. She stayed at his apartment (which I knew was a possibility)

This to me felt like a breaking of the agreement. She also didn’t tell me until Sunday, and said it was because she “felt guilty” and thought about not telling me at all. That has killed me to know she was going to possibly lie.

The public play stuff also has kinda broke my heart because when we’re out together she’s always said how she’s not a fan of PDA or doing things in risky places you can be caught. I love those things, but I love her more and so I respect that. Never has she slightly attempted to start something with me in a public space or around people, even when heavily drinking. She also kind of gets irritated if I even try to kiss her or playfully touch her butt around anyone.

She says she still did what I wanted and doesn't understand why I'm mad. She sent me a detailed story breakdown of everything that happened (per my request) but I can’t help but feel like this is just her getting what she wants and I have to just kinda deal.

Did I ask for this? Should I just suck it up? The description was incredibly hot, but I also don’t even want to touch her when she gets back because of the lying part. She then says “this was a test of our relationship and he does some things way better than you." I am not a super confident person and this has kinda just broken me down.

I feel so stupid because I get turned on at the thought of it, but the whole thing of being open and this lifestyle is trust, which I feel was broken here.

Could I get some opinions on this? Brutal honesty. Thanks so much. Apologies for rambling.