Inspired to write this after reading this post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/CffuTc3FvJ

I (M20) have been seeing this girl (F22) for a little while now, and we are both in an intense academic field with super busy schedules. We know each other through a mutual friend, who I used to be rather close with. We had a joke about being the only two sex-positive people in our friend group, leading to affectionately referring to each other as “slut”s. Little did I know, the relationship I was in at the time was quickly dissolving.

Before entering that relationship, I told myself that if it didn’t work out, I’d have a “hot boy summer”. Or, in more professional terms, I’d take a break from serious dating but open up to more casual hookups and such. Low and behold, the relationship worked out, and I was honestly mildly disappointed that I didn’t get to experience what that lifestyle could have been like. So once my relationship ended, I decided to give it a shot.

What I didn’t know at the time, was that a friend of a friend was also going through a breakup. Once she got out, she was discussing with our mutual friend about what she was looking for: nothing serious, since she’s at a point where she’s about to move on in life, but still looking to have her intimate needs met. And, half jokingly, our mutual brought up my name, saying that I’d probably be well-suited for that position.

Summer goes by, we eventually match on a dating app. The back and forth banter is an immediate smash hit. Knowing what I do about her well-put-together, prim and proper image, I wager that she’s looking for something serious, which I’m not entirely opposed to giving a shot. So we go out for dinner, and I swear I was a bumbling buffoon the whole night. But apparently she could tell I was uncharacteristically nervous, and we decided to go out again. This time, we kept it more casual and went back to her place afterwards. We got intimate, but didn’t have sex. We spent a lot of time talking about our common interests and telling stories, it was really nice. We ended up talking for hours and I was there until much later in the night than I would have expected.

A week goes by, and we realize that our schedules both make it rather convenient to meet on one night of the week moreso than any other. It’s not a concrete commitment, but we sort of jokingly come to an understanding that this will be our usually ”appointment” night. That same night, we had sex for the first time, and the sexual chemistry was intense.

This goes on for some time, and she reveals to me how our mutual friend sort of recommended that she consider talking to me. She made it clear that it wasn’t like they’d painted a target on my back or anything, and I didn’t feel that way in the moment. But as time went on, this started to get at me a little.

From another fwb situation, I’ve recently been introduced to this idea of just “passing time” with someone. And while I don’t think she sees it this way, it does feel that way in some regards. I completely understand her motives for not wanting to “start” anything at this point in her life, and especially when we don’t have a real romantic element to our relationship. But in some ways, when I really think about it, I do feel a little uneasy about our “arrangement”, because that’s what it feels like

We get together on what is essentially an appointment like schedule. We watch an episode or two of a show we like, talk a little, go at each other, then get that sweet sweet naked-cuddle aftercare that ends up turning into talking for a few more hours. And it really is nice. My last fwb ended up being a much more intense time commitment, and was really interfering with my work schedule and performance, so I was really looking forward to something more “low maintenance”. She’s incredibly understanding when I have to reschedule, even when it’s last minute, and she’s great to talk to. But somewhere between the “being sought out after” and the semi- regular “appointments”, it does start to feel like I’m being used in a way. Sort of a “she calls upon me to come to her and fulfill her needs” sort of thing

And don’t get me wrong. There’s definitely a part of me that is into that (lmao). And I know she would feel awful if she thought she was using me. Maybe it’s because I’m moving to a point where I think I’d be more comfortable in a relationship. I haven’t really taken time to contemplate how I feel about this situation, but when I do, I feel a bit like a “boy toy”

And maybe this just needs to be incorporated into the dynamic? It wasn’t until the third meet up that we explicitly talked about expectations/ what we were each hoping to get out of it. Which is partially on me, I always got the impression that the communication in her last relationship wasn’t very good. And the sex dynamic has been much more of a “go with the flow”, instead of a discussion about what the other likes.

Maybe I’m overthinking it all, but I’m curious as to what other people have to say. My therapist and I are focused on other aspects of my life right now, so this conversation has been put on a back burner for the time being. So any and all input/advice would be appreciated :)