Okay, so I (34F) and my partner (34M) have been in a monogamous relationship for going on 4 years now.

We decided to open up jan 2023, we began with the intention of opening up and hoping to be comfortable with poly.

We did 0 of the work to disentangle (gasp cringe I know) and went about the world trying to keep things casual.

My partner was going warp speed to get to poly because he thought that was my intention… and it is but light years away. I can recognize all the work that needs to be done to disentangle, figure out our boundaries and communication around them etc.

As he moved about the world thrashing like a bull in a china shop I’ve been on the outside looking into the window because he expressed earlier in the year he needed me to slow down. Thus I did, probably shouldn’t have HAULTED — but I did.

Well fast forward to November 2023 his first hookup with a woman he suggests a sleepover I agree with the safety of I can change my mind at any time. Morning of he tells me it’s a king bed etc etc — WOAH high alert my nervous system isn’t ready.. can we keep everything but the sleepover ? Date, play date, etc? Nope no go.

“Hey I’m not comfortable with that connection continuing to escalate, can we please put a pause in that and slow down?”

“Yea sure”

I wasn’t clear in what I meant to slow down, however the connection was well past the casual point which we were supposed to be operating within.

Now I’m not trusting that he can recalibrate, and he doesn’t want to end that connection — understandably so. And I feel like a tool for even asking.

So now what? Has anyone dealt with similar? What did you do?

I know rookie mistakes all around, please save the judgment.