My partner (35F) and me (33M) are exploring ENM in a long distance relationship (4 hr drive). Neither of us want to be poly. We have both been with other people now and have both struggled when the other is with another sexual partner.

She has more of a natural desire to have sex with other people than I do. She opted for it first, and I followed afterwards to explore how I felt about it. It was a nice night for me and it’s cool to meet and share moments with other people, but in general I found it unrewarding compared to her general greater appreciation for it. I’ve had success with Tinder, so I know I CAN “match” her in terms of being sexual with other partners, but I find myself not caring about it much or being driven towards it like her. However, even if I have no want or need to be with other people, I don’t want to ruin her fun. This does create a natural imbalance though.

It’s tough for me when she is with someone else, and it may not always be difficult for her when I am, but given my general lack of interest in it anyway, I have minimal desire to be with others unless she is also there (partner swap, mfm or fmf threesome scenarios and such) because I think this can be hard for her with no real payout for me to justify it. We are deciding if she will mirror this for me, even though she gets more out of sex with others. She’s leaning more towards “monogamish” or being “open together” even though I lean toward just abstaining myself and understanding that’s a choice that I make, but she doesn’t have to.

My question is, for those who choose to participate in ENM, and deal with and get through the natural challenges we all seem to agree are inherent to that decision, what is the reward that justifies the cost or risk? What’s the “juice” you get from the “squeeze?” What am I missing? I’m not morally against ENM at all, and I don’t consider myself to be a serial monogamist, I just don’t see much benefit given the challenges. I love sex as she does, but perhaps I just have too less a need for it so frequently or diversely?