What I’ve found after 20 years of being non-monogamous with my partner, these are some of the “un-spoken” deal breakers with relationships. Work these out before you take the leap:

1.) Money…whose money is getting spent on who, how much, am I getting “my share”, gifts, hotels, vacations, etc., all the things that go into dating a new person divide resources and water down the focus on between partner A and B…C…D

2.) Selectiveness…whats are acceptable dating practices for an individual become more restrictive when in a group setting (even if only two people). For example, are hookups allowed? Are their age groups that are off limits? How many is too many dates in a week? How many is too many relationships, partners, fwb’s? Is it ok to have a SB? Is it ok to be an SB?

3.) Time (are you ready to use a calendar for virtually every day?)…I’m in two relationships, and that at times feels like being the child of divorce. You know, which holidays am I spending where? If I have to miss date night one day how do I make it up? What’s fair? What’s practical? Whats special for one partner and what is ok to “miss” to spend time with another? Can you handle the fact that you are choosing one person over the other (because you are, otherwise you have lost your individuality) and make those decisions? Are you ok being the “backup” date?

4.) Two people argue, three (or more) people inherently “triangulate”. Even if it’s just a slight tip of the scale in one direction there is another opinion/personality/motivation/influence in your life. Can you mediate, discuss, be open, be called out on your sh*t because one partner you said you don’t like something to this partner but you’re happy to do it for that partner?

5.) I’ll call it sexual hygiene; examples include how much time needs to pass between sexual encounters, especially with fluid bonding (can your partner have sex with someone else the same day they have a date with you…a few hours prior…?). Can he go down on someone and what if you detect her scent in his beard? Can she put the date night underwear in your mutual laundry basket (if you do laundry), the list goes on (your mutual bed for example, your cars back seat, etc). In my experience men and women are quick to ignore the fact that they may actually (and are most likely) the one getting “sloppy seconds”.

Did I miss any big ones?