Me (34 F) and my fiance (35 M) decided to try ENM this fall. This was my decision and in my ideal world I would have 2-3 casual fwb partners I would see periodically while living w my primary. He is supportive and knows that I’m looking for sexual experiences that aren’t up his alley; he is not looking to date or have sex with anyone (at this time).

His biggest thing is he wants me dating people who also already have a partner so I’m not going out with someone who would fully depend on me for their sexual/romantic needs. He is afraid that if they don’t have someone else to get that kind of attention it is inevitable that they will fall in love with me, or worse, give me so much attention that I fall in love with them. I tried to explain my love is not bought with attention points, but it seemed like that was important to him so I accept it fully.

This past week I went on a date that went really well and we ended up having sex on the first date. He was very surprised and said that he thought I didn’t want hookups and only wanted one other partner. I said I wanted a couple and also like had to go on dates w people to know if I’d want them to become something consistent.

And then the thing that really surprised me was he said that I’d be dating people who like.. were a “closed pod” like the partner I get would have partners who didn’t actively go out dating or whatever. (Apologies if my vocabulary isn’t conveying this well.) I understand this want from a sexual health standpoint- but I don’t think it’s realistic to police that? In my mind I’m choosing partners that I trust to make good sexual decisions for them and respect my want for a condom etc.

Part of my surprise is also tinged with sadness and maybe guilt that this guy I just met does have a partner but this guy is ~not looking to stop fucking around and be a “closed pod”. So I need to have a conversation with my partner to get on the same page if I am to see this guy again (and I sure would like to)

Have I made a mess? I’m a good communicator usually but I could use some advice on how to navigate this new territory for me