Obviously I realize that this is double standard thinking, but that's part of the reason I'm looking to resolve the dissonance in my head. As someone who is into self-introspection, the fact that I couldn’t really answer this question to my satisfaction bothered me. I'll write out my thoughts on this below and hopefully someone can ask questions or make comments that help me get to my satisfactory answer.
Some background: currently I'm in a monogamous relationship with a D/s dynamic, and yes I know that doesn’t overlap with poly/ENM. Yes i realize there are differences between poly/ENM but that's a different debate. My GF and I live together and are of the same mindset that my partner is the person that I want to spend all of my time with, generally. We do everything together because we like being together.
The thought of another guy with their dick inside my GF disgusts me. However, I've never dated virgins so every girl I've been with has had sex with another guy at some point and that's never bothered me. I've never been in a non-monogamous relationship. If I was dating a girl before we were exclusive, and she had sex with someone else while we were dating, its less than ideal but I don’t think I'd stop seeing her. Before becoming exclusive with a girl, I've had sex with different girls I had been dating at the time and I didn't even think twice about it except for safety (STIs).
If she was choosing not to be with me one night and chose to go out with someone else and fuck them, that would suck, like I'm being chosen second. This might be my biggest issue is feeling like I'm being chosen second. Even if I was there with her and gave her permission to have sex with a guy, that wouldn’t help. Why is she choosing to be with him, when she has me? Now I realize if you compare sex to eating out at a restaurant, you wouldn’t eat at the same restaurant your entire life, so why only have sex with the same one person? Variety of the spice of life right? Well yes and I would agree which is why I know I'd be ok having sex with others, BUT I cannot get comfortable with my GF doing the same. The images in my head of them doing it, and the feeling of her choosing someone else over me seem to be the major pain points.
Lets say, my GF and I took a break for a month, and we each had sex with like 5 other people. That probably wouldn’t deter me from getting back together with her because I would have been with other people too, we didn’t violate any agreements, and there wasn't any betrayal. However, if I knew any of them or had met them it would bother me because I'm sure at some point those images would inevitably pop into my head and distract me during our relationship or even during sex with her.
If she was having sex with another girl, I might be more ok with it in the sense that the mental images are likely tolerable, BUT not ok with the feeling of her choosing someone else over me. Additionally, if she was with this other girl, why couldn’t she also be with me? I'd be interested in a MFF dynamic but not a MMF dynamic. Maybe this is because I'm a straight male? This would be different than sharing in the sense that it would be the three of us instead of me and my GF and then my GF and the other girl.
I don’t think I get jealous at all. I've heard that you get jealous when you fear losing something and that’s the thing, I don’t fear losing her to someone else because I'm amazing and if she found someone better suited for her, better sooner than later.
Well you're making a just plain incorrect blanket statement here. Some people relegate BDSM to roleplay. Some live BDSM lifestyles where it absolutely is a part of their real life and they might be fully controlled by their dom. Some are in between. Like I have a DDlg relationship that definitely extends past the bedroom and where he does have some control in my daily life but he can't tell me big me what to do and there are several things where he does not get a say and we do see other people. It just depends on the kind of situation OP has. However none of that means his thinking on this is healthy or right. And yes the sub always ultimately has the power because we decide whether we let you Dom us and if we're willing to surrender power.
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There's a reason lifestyle BDSM is a thing
But that role still bleeds into my real life. He sets self care routines for me. There are some aspects of my life I do let him control. I say he can't tell "big me" what to do but honestly the distinction isn't really that cut and clear sometimes and there are rules set for adult me. Even when I'm out of little space he still often is a caretaker for me as well. Daddy is not a role he plays and then gets out of it's who he is all the time to me. And some folks go further than that to where they live solely as their Dom tells them, that's not really roleplay cause it never ends and it's the way they live their life on the regular. Roleplay implies pretend or acting that you then exit from but many people don't do BDSM like that. The lines aren't that black and white and there are many shades in between of how different people incorporate it in their life