Hello so this is my first post here. I (25 enby) have a nesting partner (27F) and we’re engaged. We have been polyamorous our whole adult lives so far. We’ve also been happily polysaturated for a little while, we’ve both just been too busy to date while we chug through some life/work slog.

We do have some hookup adventures together/apart, since they’re low/no commitment. We have two friends, Velma (27) and Daphne (30F) who are also engaged. Last year Daphne and Velma opened up their relationship, but only sexually. They are happily romantically monogamous. Daphne has no personal interest in hooking up with others, but she loves that Velma does.

My partner and I were Velma’s only non-monogamous friends, and we all started hooking up pretty much immediately. It hasn’t been often, but it’s been great every time. We are all such genuinely good friends.

I don’t think I have romantic feelings for Velma. I have no desire to date her, I’ve thought about how it would make me feel and it was just like. Wrong? And not in a self-judgmental or “that’s forbidden” way, it just doesn’t seem to be what I want or need. I’ve talked to my partner so much about this, and she has no advice but is happy to support me as I figure it out.

And. Uueerrgh. I want to like, casually kiss Velma. I want to have sex with her more often. I want to cuddle more and have intimate contentment with her. I want to help when she’s feeling shitty. Her work life is hard, and sometimes she clams up and doesn’t talk to anyone other than her partner when it’s going especially bad, and that’s fair. I think I just want more intimacy from our friendship, but it’s important that it stays friendship.

I recently found out about the term “queer platonic partner.” It feels correct for what I’d like to have with Velma, but I’m not sure what to do with this info now!

I know we will need to have a conversation, but how do I talk about this without making it sound like I’m secretly in love with her?

If you’ve had this kind of friendship before, how did it start for you? What kinds of things were involved? What did you need to agree on upfront to make sure it didn’t get weird?

For more context: she is a massive overthinker. So if I just start Doing Things™ to see how it goes, she might just have a whole panic and probably not tell me that it’s happening. Even if she’s enjoying it! So I will have to like Talk To Her upfront about what we’re doing.

Thanks for reading my mess :’)

• Snipes