I’m m39, wife 41 - have been married 10 years this December and have been with each other since 2010. In 2014, we conversed about the possibility of opening up our marriage to different capacities: threesomes, open relationship, swinging, but she would always get nervous and back out. These conversations took place after she claimed to be turned on by my sexual past and the possibility of seeing me with other women. I told her that I like the idea and that if she ever wanted to be with another man, just to be open with me before doing so.

I thought we had moved on after nothing came of these conversations. A few months later, I caught her having an affair with a coworker. She claims they only kissed and nothing else. She did admit to going to his place on three different occasions. I was devastated but we managed to move on. After this revelation, she agreed for me to see someone else. The furthest I got was a few text messages and flirting. I didn’t have the heart to lie to these women about my marital status and they didn’t like the idea of being with a married man. No biggie, I fought the temptation.

In 2019, I caught her messaging that same guy through Snapchat. She claimed they only messaged a couple of times and that he did sent her nudes, but no meeting up occured this time. I was actually turned on by all of this and told her she had the green light. Again, she backed out and claimed she wanted nothing to do with this lifestyle. We moved on, or so I thought.

We continued to dabble with fantasizing and she would take me out to strip clubs to fulfill a small part of those fantasies . We even went to a strip club/brothel in Tijuana mex, which is a lot more extreme than the ones in the states since they allow prostitution. I have never paid for sex and have always expressed that to her. To me, those trips were akin to going to a pure strip club and not a brothel. Earlier this year, after already getting drunk, a few of my friends and I ended up taking a trip to the said strip club. I immediately text her to tell her where I was going - I apologized profusely and told her that I would not pay for sex and that she had nothing to worry about. She told me that she wanted to separate, but after a couple of months past, she started to act normal again. We started to do a lot of fun stuff together and were getting along really well. To my surprise, she was talking to the same affair partner again and one additional guy that she had an affair with on her previous marriage. She claims that she never took it beyond text messages and calls. She says she only did it to get back at me for going to the brothel.

I’m devastated and confused. I understand the desire to see others but cannot comprehend the lying and deceit. I love her like I’ve never loved before but am having a hard time coming to terms with all lies.

I’m confused that I don’t even know what I want out of this post. I guess I just want to be heard without being judged for my open view of sexuality.

Your thoughts and advice is greatly appreciated and welcomed