My partner (M48) and I (F32) met just as I was about to split from my spouse of 15 years (F33). I haven’t been single since 2005, and have never lived alone. I crave single life, and knew after I split from my wife that I wanted to try a non-monogamous situation. I just happened to meet my new partner days before telling my spouse I wanted a divorce (I wasn’t trying to be in another relationship so fast, but we have a cosmic connection that I’ve never felt with someone else before), now we are approaching 6 months of being together. We have yet to do any solo play. My new partner is incredibly supportive, understanding, and we have excellent communication. We decided from day 1 that we would be ethically non-monogamous. This is the first enm relationship I’ve ever had, but it’s not their first rodeo.

When we first got together, the idea used to turn me on all the time, however the more I fall in love with him the harder it is for me to imagine them doing solo play, especially with a member of the opposite sex. I really do want an enm relationship, I want to learn compersion, I want to play together and have solo play…but lately every time I think about solo play I start to have a panic attack. It comes and goes, literally changes by the hour sometimes. One minute I’m so turned on by the thought, then the next I’m having an internal meltdown about it. I want my partner to be happy, and be with someone who can handle this type of relationship. I’m scared that when it’s time for him to have his first solo experience while we are together, I won’t be able to handle it. I feel like if I can’t handle the situation, the right thing to do would be to let him go because I want him to be happy and be with someone who could handle this. I bounce between terrified and exhilarated, and I’m exhausted.

The other night a female “play friend” of ours was simply being really touchy feely with him and I couldn’t emotionally handle it. I feel like a failure, like an imposter. I want this enm relationship to work so badly. We have a great therapist to talk to. I just wish I could snap my fingers and remove these negative, insecure, jealous emotions from my brain. I want to rewire, unlearn, and recondition. I’m trying to be patient with myself, but I know if I can’t handle this then another loss might be on the horizon and that hurts. Idk what to do.