I don't really know what I'm asking here-- I've posted in these forums before asking for advice as my relationship has gone from monogamish to fully open within the past few months. The change has been massive and honestly very difficult for me. It's extremely important to my partner that we be open and I love our relationship so I've been reading, learning, talking about it, reading books on mindfulness-- just trying to actually embrace this despite my fear. I appreciate the ethos and ethics of ENM, but find aspects of practicing it difficult. He feels frustrated that I am always anticipating how I will get hurt from ENM, instead of looking at the positives.

We had a threesome earlier this week with a girl who was basically everything I'm not. Calm (I get really anxious before group sex) beautiful, enthusiastic about both of us, and had never been with another girl before but had no nerves, nothing-- the literal opposite of me (I had panic attacks for years about being bisexual) Unlike other hookups we've had, she was honestly probably the most physically attractive, but beyond that extremely sensual and romantic feeling-- almost more love-makey. I was rattled afterwards, it was a beautiful sexual experience and positive for all-- but I hadn't experienced energy like that with anyone ever, other than my partner. He was a little rattled by it too-- just the really, really real reality that you really can connect deeply with people outside of our relationship hadn't really happened for us yet.

He and I have been having a really hard time in our relationship-- largely because of my difficulty/anxiety to fully embrace ENM-- and over the course of the past two years have had many terrible fights & arguments, tears, and the resentment he has towards me for being so high strung about all of this has led to him nitpicking me a lot. Sometimes ENM has helped us have better sex, sometimes the stress of it leads us to not having sex. We have been in a not having sex phase. He has been so angry and resentful of me when I ask for reassurance before one of these sexual experiences he just doesn't feel capable of giving it to me because he feels he's already said everything. And I KNOW that I have been difficult and a basket case and really emotionally volatile about all of this. But I've read the ethical slut and opening up. I've been reading opening fully, I'm in these forums, I follow people on instagram who are poly/ENM, I'm reading books about mindfulness and buddhism-- it's not for lack of effort. I've worked on my communication. And I am sympathetic to his need for variety and excitement-- I don't want to dismiss his sexuality/needs and want him to be happy.

I had to go out of town (my grandfather is dying) and while I was out of town-- we chatted on the phone more about our experience with this girl. I think she recently got out of a relationship so isn't looking for anything beyond loving sex-- but I felt uneasy-- this is the first time it has seemed like he could have deeper feelings for someone, just going off sex alone and expressed this. At the end of the conversation we both vocalized fear that we are scared about the direction our own relationship has headed in the past-- we haven't been connecting, or seeing eye to eye-- really because of our different feelings towards ENM. He has been distant, and often cold and sometimes just angry with me.

He believes I am at the root of all of our issues, my high strung behaviors, my inability to center myself, my fearfulness towards ENM/life. And he's not trying to be mean to me, I trust that he is trying his best here.

I had a complete meltdown after this conversation and decided to go spend a few weeks with my parents. We had initially planned to see the threesome girl again this weekend, but he asked if he could see her alone (she wanted to make sure it was okay with me). And I said yes, because I'm trying to embody the loving energy she herself exhibited, that love is infinite, that loving more than one person doesn't take away from me. I feel like I've stepped off a cliff, off a deep end. In the book about mindfulness I'm reading, pema chodron describes how as humans we are always searching for ground to stand on-- but everything is always changing, groundlessness is the nature of existence. If I told him not to see this girl because it makes me insecure and scared, there'd eventually be some other girl. If I'm going to do ENM I have to face the music that this might just not work out. That he might leave me, and especially with this person who exemplifies so many qualities I feel I lack.

I've been trying to cultivate loving energy towards this. I stop to breathe about every 10 minutes. I do feel authentic joy for his joy, and yet I also feel so angry and so hurt because all my feelings of not being enough for him, sexual rejection, anger that this requires so much courage for me, that it often feels that his needs for more bulldoze over my comfort, (he says he wouldn't do it if I wasn't comfortable with it-- I said it made me feel insecure and sad, but that I don't own him and I want him to be free and do what he wants so he took that as a yes and I can't blame him, I mean this other girl is beautiful.)

I told him that I let go, that he's free. But I just feel so fragile.

I think I'm asking for affirmation here. Please just be kind to me. I love him, I'm scared, I'm trying to be brave and do the right thing. I'm afraid it's taking a pretty big toll on me. My feelings about everything change by the minute. If you have any warmth or tenderness to share, I would appreciate that.

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