I (37M) and my wife (27F) have been together for 6 years, opened 1,5 years ago. We have been taking it slow and have not had many experiences, mostly kissing others at clubs. Our agreement is that, while we would prefer to do things together, we can have sex alone with other people so as long as we try our best to communicate it beforehand. The only time this happened was when she went to a nightclub a few months ago, got high and gave/received oral. I was fine with it.

She recently communicated that she feels we are in the worst moment of our relationship. She is annoyed by some aspects of our daily coexistence and gets easily irritated by me. She is also tired of me not being as concerned and not putting in an effort in my appearance (hair and clothes: I admit I don’t have a great sense of style) as she does and is finding me less attractive and is less interested in having sex with me. I am also a crossroads with my career, so my overall self-esteem has been low for a while.

Last week, she headed abroad for a 10 day work trip to our home country. Before going, I asked her if she thought she might hook up with someone, and she said “I don’t think so, since it is a work trip and I will be busy”. Since she had the first few days off, she went to our home town to celebrate her birthday with family and friends at a bar. There she unexpectedly ran into a guy she had been on a date with when she was 18, nearly nine years ago. He's now in his mid-40s. After the party, they ended up in a hotel and had sex.

My expectations for her trip in this regard were very low and this caught me (and her) by surprise. During the whole night, she did not communicate with me because her phone had no service (although she could have used wifi, changed the sim card or hotspot from a friend or the guy). They also had anal sex, something she recently said she wanted to reserve for me only, which I took seriously (she claims not to remember saying this).

Since she told me about this, I have been feeling very hurt. Although technically she didn’t do anything wrong, I feel the mismanaged expectations, the timing of our relationship and the way it happened (especially regarding the lack of communication, which is very triggering to me) revealed a severe misjudgment on her part. I feel she broke my trust and didn’t handle the situation with the care it needed, also being the first time she went out alone with someone while sober and somewhat planned (as they went to a hotel). We have been talking through the phone and, although she has been supportive, I am feeling insecure.

Am I justified in feeling this way? I’d appreciate any input.