the title to this isn’t precise at all and difficult to keep concise. question at bottom of post. here’s the gist:

background: i(afab24) have been in a long distance “thing” with my friend (m25) since august. we’ve essentially been penpals/facetime friends thoughh since november. we’ve always had great, open communication; talked openly before about people we’ve seen; excitement about flirtatious moments with strangers etc. we’re both on the spectrum and highly logic-based too, so we think it facilitates our communication.

his wants/my wants: 1) one of my “sacred cows” (things i want to keep in life that bring me joy and excitement) is literally just making out and dancing with a stranger in club, especially when travelling- he brought up that i mentioned that a while ago, and does not expect me to let go of it as a joy of mine (as long as i don’t go home and sleep with that person, he feels secure).

2) he prefers that we be monogamous first (and has always been monogamous), as that would be more comfortable to him while we create a foundation, but realizes the natural flow of relationships, and that we could be enm later. i’ve been down to try out monogamy- it’s been about 2 years since i’ve been in a monogamous relationship (3y for him), but, i told him the label of it makes me a little nervous and we can figure things out more next month when i visit. i’m currently in therapy for my last monogamous relationship that was violent, and recognize he is different by a long shot, but relationships with most labels sort of scare me, and i’m using cbt that has helped me improve tremendously (i digress, oops).

question so, is it realistic to be monogamous thennn be enm if/when the relationship changes? i feel as though it’s better to be enm first and grow into monogamy. like, i feel as though we would be implementing enm as part of our foundation and it would look less like a “plan b” and have less of a negative connotation later.