Its been five years of relationship. We were never monogamic, but we always had an agreement on honesty. She never pursued other relationships, but recently she had and lied and hide several times those affections from me.

Because of the lies I was having a hard time trusting and asked for tem to not have sex yet and wait untill we rebuild our trust and she agreed. She did it anyway in the same day I left home to visit my family. She lied and manipulated me several times that day during chat. She had been planning to do this.

Now I am back home and I dont feel I can trust her anymore. She never allowed me to work my jealousy, whe she chooses to lie I have to deal with infidelity instead. I really tried to allow her to have this relationship with this person in a healthy way, in a way that would respect both of us. Her lover is also cheating and lying to her boyfriend about this, wich makes it even more messed up.

But now I can't trust her anymore. I can't have and open relationship with her anymore. But if she doesnt really want to close for a while and heal it won't work. I am not putting myself at risk again. It's so sad but I don't have hopes for this relation anymore. I guess I putted her on to high expectation.

Lies and beatrayals from the ones you trust cause trauma. Ptsd is not something to mess up. This is all so cruel. I must have been a really bad partner if I led her into this kind of despaired choices.