My wife and I have been ENM, mainly swingers / hot wife/separate play for years.

2 years ago my wife asked me if I would be ok with polyamory. She was starting to fall in love with one of her regular play partner.

I thought long and hard about it, we read books, and we both agreed to become polyamorous.

My wife dated several people, one got pretty serious. It took me a while to find a partner but when it did, it got pretty serious.

As soon as my relationship started, my wife started to struggle and have panic attacks that I was going to leave her.

We had a lot of discussions, did therapy and landed in a good place.

After a year of us dating others, having a great time, she had a mental health breakdown and had to be hospitalized for two months after being diagnosed with a serious personality disorder.

After her two month mental hospital stay, she told me that she doesn’t want to do polyamory anymore. She hates my partner, she doesn’t want me to date, etc. She has been trying to play the poly in duress card and telling me she hates poly and never wanted it in the first place (even if she is the one who insisted on it initially). Lately she has been talking about leaving the marriage if I don’t agree.

It really took me by surprise and hurt me a lot. I have been working with a poly affirming therapist who keeps telling me to put myself first and to not self-sacrifice who I am and my other relationships. This week he warned me of becoming co-dependent with my wife, forfeiting my needs and placing hers over mine.

I am in a tough situation. I love my wife and I don’t want to lose her. But I also feel it is deeply wrong of her to ask me hurt myself so she feels safer. She knows how much I am into my other partner and my other partner has been nothing but supportive, especially when my wife was hospitalized.

I offered my wife to work with her through her fears but I am not agreeing to sacrifice my other relationship.

Anybody experienced something similar?