In a nutshell, we've been on and off poly for years, wife was repressed and afraid to experiment and she didnt have any outside sex in the early phase of marriage (before kids), but I had several partners and she was free too, but too repressed at that time and I wasnt gonna push he if she was fine. Then we had 2 kids, closed the relationship for 5y, recently re-opened it last month. I'm moderately dominant 7/10 but she wants to explore her really kinky submissive side with even more dominant men, like some 9 or 10 level dominants. so she's been chatting to set up dates with really dominant men to scratch that itch. I'm fine with that because I already have one side GF who I really adore and she takes up all my discretionary time... so I'm fine with my wife having kinky sex with others as long as we make time for each other.

The problem is we had one simple rule: use a condom for intercourse. and the point was to avoid anyone ever cumming inside her vag/backside. One simple rule. Well, after opening the relationship, she went on two dates so far: the first date was with a dorky guy that wasnt dominant and she followed the condom rule.

Last night, she went on a second date with a new guy (first time she met him) who was naturally dominant, very aggressive, really pushed her limits. She had permission to fuck him and did so. And she loved every minute of it and said he was great at it, better than me at the dominant stuff (I dont care about that all that much, I know that I'm not a 10 at everything). And she smoked weed with him and drank, which also reduces her inhibitions which I had asked her not to do drugs/alco, it wasnt a hard rule. And she confirmed that the drugs wasnt a factor in her breaking the condom rule. So in short, last night she goes to his house after dinner and has submissive sex with him, and this morning she confesses that this guy started the sex by bending her over the couch and screwed her anally without a condom, he just did it, put it in and fucked her for a while she didnt stop it. and she was enjoying it and just went with it. Now, he didnt cum inside her ass but she didnt / wouldnt have done anything to stop it if he had done so! and the rule was always condoms for intercourse, including anal obviously

So I'm kind of at a loss on how to deal with this: both in addressing her "crime" of letting it happen and also going forward. The true problem is that my wife is SO VERY naturally submissive, and she gets SO turned on by dominant men. when I'm dominant i've seen her give in and go crazy with passion. I literally dont think she has the willpower or even the desire in that moment to say "no" or enforce any rules when she's in the heat of the moment or in the thrall of a dominant man partner. So... we talked this morning and I basically got her to admit as much, and she admitted that regardless of the drugs, she would have said "yes" to anything he had asked in those passionate moments (as long at it wasnt literal torture). And she admitted she would have let him fuck him withougt a condom or even cumming inside her if he had asked or had just done it, she wouldnt have stopped it.

And all this happened on only her first date with a genuinely dominant man,, which is what she really wants and turns her on the most! She couldnt even abide by the rule for one date!

To be clear I'm not actually very jealous of the physical sex stuff/kink. I'm really just angry and jealous and honestly deeply concerned about our future due to the fact that she is submitting TOTALLY and cannot turn off her submissive side or control it and enforce any rules... but that's what turns her on the most, thats the kind of submissive sex she craves. and potentially risking STD and all the complications including attachment and emotions that comes along with fluid bonding (if that happens). And that she'd submit to fluid bonding at his request... Also really the principle of it: "why can you not follow one simple rule?" And if she's breaking that rule on the first date with this guy well it can only get worse lol... If he starts cumming inside and that triggers hormones and oxytocin and falls in love etc.

Other than that.. our marriage is good, but stale at times, and I dont want to give up and just say "close the relationship!" because I think we both NEED sex outside of the marriage at this point in our lives. Like its too easy to just say "well she cant handle it, if she cant follow that rule she cant be open." but honestly I can't see another option. And I dont want to stop seeing my other GF even though I guess I could make my wife just not have any partners and keep mine... but that seems dysfunctional and not in the spirit of polyamory.

The other option is to blame the guy somewhat because he DID know the know condom rule and was clearly told that. but maybe he thought anal didnt count? (I say BS, he should know anal needs condoms too). Either way i'm inclined to interpret his action as disrespect to me as her husband and disrespect to the primary relationship and its rules. So maybe just make wife find someone who can follow the rules? the problem is she'll have to fuck a new guy first, to see if he can follow the rules. And the same thing could happen again, because a guy will always agree in advance. but then in the heat of the moment all guys want to fuck without condom SOOO... its a problem.

UGGHH please help me process my feelings of deep betrayal and being totally disrespected by both her and the guy. and also help how to deal with this going forward. Maybe someone has dealt with this. As a final note, wife will probably do whatever i say, at least right now she says I am her true master and she'll stop seeing him if necessary and she loves me and our kids. but she REALLY likes him and that's the kind of sex she wants in her poly adventures. And the problem is I dont feel like her true master if she cant follow the one basic rule I laid out when the sex actually starts. but I dont want to just dictate "never see him again!" i'd rather find a way for her to have sex with others and not end the ENM status. Any help appreciated.