My partner (30M) and I (27F) have been together for 1.5 years. We are best friends, traveling the world, living and loving together. Our bond has always felt larger than life, and we’ve had a sincere love with grand plans for a lifetime. We are intimate with others, together and separately, short and longer term, although it has been a while since either of us have dated without the other.

Last month, while attending a friend’s bachelor party, my partner had unprotected sex. Upon returning, he told me he met someone at the bar and they showered together but didn’t have sex. My intuition said this didn’t make sense. He was mashing together half truths and full lies, but I had no reason to doubt my darling. Later in the evening, we have sex and he asks me if I want to hear about the sex that he had, which I am a fan of. He tells me that he connected with a dancer at the strip club, invited her over a few days later, and he details their sex, telling me how she said she’s not on birth control as part of their dirty talk. Great, hot, I usually love this part but I’m now concerned. After, I ask him how much was true, since sometimes we make up sexy stories for each other. He said it was all true and we go to bed.

The next morning I’m unraveling. I am not upset about what I now know occurred over the weekend, although his judgment was certainly clouded. What I’m distraught by is that he was dishonest, when I have been supportive and trusting. I pieced together he had unprotected sex and I should’ve been given the autonomy to decide if I wanted to have unprotected sex with him too, if I wanted to at all. I find out he only asked about STIs retroactively. I also feel he was only honest when he thought I would get off to it, but he insists he would’ve told me the truth soon regardless. There are other related lies and omissions I would discover in the coming weeks that are smaller but would’ve helped rebuild trust had he been forthright.

I feel betrayed and disrespected in a way I still can’t comprehend. The faith I had in him shattered. He cheated and sometimes it feels worse that we’re non-monogamous, because he just didn’t uphold the “ethical” part. He just had to tell me and I’d say I’m happy for him and ask for the juicy details later. He says that he felt that his situation lacked judgement, and due to societal conditioning, he feared the truth would hurt me. I corrected him by saying he chose to deceive me to protect himself from consequences, not to do me any kindness. I have given him many love notes prior about my dedication to understanding him truly. That he is good, and there is nothing to hide or be afraid of. That our love is just the desire to be understood and willingness to understand. I’m heartbroken. And I’m not sure I can understand fully.

He immediately got an STI test at my request and I got a flight back home. I’ve asked for space for the last month while I process. He has since sincerely apologized, met with a therapist, and is doing his best to repair my trust and carry some of this pain I now hold. All things considered, I think he’s owning up to it. The healing process has been traumatic for both of us. I’m a shell of myself as I grieve the love I once knew. I have been struggling with my mental health and being pretty unpleasant. I have relapsed with self injurious behaviors and serious suicidal ideation, and I have not treated him with kindness through this. I know this has caused him pain and concern. I have been getting the help I need, going to therapy several times a week, and am in a more stable place now in repairing my relationship with myself first and foremost. I know now this is a reflection of him, not me, and I do not have poor judgment or deserve punishment for loving sincerely.

I want things to work. I can’t have blind faith anymore, but I want to trust he won’t betray me again. However I’m so frightened to look back on this X years from now and say I should’ve known then.

I come to you looking for empathy or advice. Have you been here before? What was the outcome with your partner(s)? What advice helped alleviate this pain? What helped rebuild trust? What lessons were learned?